JoCeLyN StEMiLyN

V-day (vol.2)

2012-02-14T19:42:00.000-08:00

MORNING PEEPS!
*yawns*
Am in a very excited mode right now,

happy and grateful...

(Never felt so motivated to write a blog before...)

*sneaky sneaky*
Warning: this is gonna be a slightly long-winded post...but i guess gals love details and guys love the big picture...and i have both....so...XD

Anyways, let's get straight to the point,

it was Valentines day yesterday and yeah,

I had a blast!
It wasn't as "grand" like last year...

with all the dramatic U-turns to Port Dickson,

tryna fly a kite in mid night but failed,

yet oh-so-sweet confession valentines...

But I must say...

Mr.Rocker never failed to pull a trick out of his hat.

It was expectedly unexpected!
*ironic I know*

So let's rewind things back...

Wasn't feeling the Valentine's mood to be honest,

'cause like what HE said

Valentines day is sucking your money day!

*true though*
I wasn't looking forward for candle light dinner

or bouquet of roses...

But I did look forward for a surprising and excited evening.

And like a hokkien saying:

"要大便才来找厕所"
describes me best.
It was 15 minutes before he came to pick me up,

baru I panicked to decide what I wanna wear,

should I make up or not?

When I chose a black blouse, Miss Lau Chun Sia even sarcastically commented:

" You nak pergi hiking is it?"

LOLZ...
Roommie Mei Yi kept persuading me to wear dress,

even to the extend of pleading me to be more lady-like...

*guys, now you know more or less the chaos going on in a gal's bedroom*

IN THE END...

I just chose to wear a long cat-printed shirt with snake leggings...

Well since Zau is Mr. Gorilla-Lion,

why can't I be Miss Ca-Snake?
=P

Same as last year, he was late by 15.5mins,

but this time no surprising rose delivery to my door steps.
It's fine. *clutch fist*

=)
Pulled down the passenger seat's mirror,

No card fell down to my lap...

Zau gave me a cunning smile...

It's fine too...*sharpens knife*

All I saw by then was a packet of Twisties in the back seat.

Then, he handed me my camera left in his place few days ago

and then no more...

I was like: "takkan?????"
But then when I opened up camera bag,
there was THIS welcoming my very sight:

(yes, that's the Tina Fey Bossypants underneath...lol)

He wrote:
"...recently listened to a great sermon by Pastor Kevin. ' Blue Jeans and Pink Sandals'..."

I went ROLF!!
WHY??
1. The actual name of the relationship sermon is " Pink Heels and Blue Jeans"!
2. He was sweet enough to find a card that actually has blue jeans and pink SANDALS
3. He glued the sandals on his own.

Summore got love drawings from a rocker...

The rest of the details are P&C...
=X

After the laughs and jokes,

he popped a question:

" So, what we gonna have for dinner? Tony Romas, Pasta Zanmai or Carl's Junior?"
In my heart sreams "CARL's JUNIOR!!!!"

But then to be more "valentines",

I said, why dont we go Pasta Zanmai???

But then when we went there, the counter person told us they were fully booked.

And I dunno why both of us were smiling widely to each other

and happily headed to Carl's Junior...

It was our 2nd Valentine's date in CJ's...

So last night we officially declared CJ as our fav V-day spot.

Baru kali kedua sudah syok sendiri sangat...

Somehow there are so many great memories between us in CJ...

Portobello Mushroom burger is my ultimate fav!
Look at 'em fries, slurp!

*the HULK bf*
"Dont snatch mine or I'll give you the fatal punch!"

Sweet enough, he remembered my favourite side dish,

ONIONS...muahahahah

See, its juicy enough from the pictures...what more when it enters your watery mouth

and starving tummy??
*paradise*

CJ...faster find me to be your ambassador!

*pleading*

Too bad they were out of tea...

or else it would be double paradise.

And I bought him a V-day gift!
Tickets to Avril Lavinge's concert!
Since her concert is on 18th Feb,

which is also our 1 year anniversary,

so this gift serves as V-day and anniversary gift...

一举两得...hehe
He was reluctant to receive it initially,

but with my sharp and intimidating stare, he "gladly" accept it.

See how he is blushing after getting it...
*evil gf grin*

SO,

last year he took to me Port Dickson...

I was thinking where else this year?

PUTRAJAYA!

One of my fav spot to be away from the hectic city.

According to Zau, they had their festival lights on last night...
So it was really a nice view there...

plus it was so quiet and peaceful there...

Cant get a nice view while we're under the bridge.
Paiseh...
The bridge changed colours randomly,

and while I was snapping pics,

Zau was observing the light systems
and every technical things that has to do with his electrical profession.
I love that quality from him actually...职业病 at his best...
*passionate man...i mean Gorian*

Imagine lar...its like going overseas

or being somewhere else in Malaysia...

LOL...jokes.
But I do felt very different whenever I come to Putrajaya,

cz the streets are so NEAT (tak berlubang),

and CLEAN.
Hardly found any rubbish on the ground,

and even the street lights and traffic lights so artistic ler...

Got curves and designs...

unlike the mundane looking ones we see everyday. =.=
How I wish everywhere in Malaysia could be so nicely designed.
with all the façade and landscape lighting...etc
(saje nak show off technical terms learned from him)
=P

Ok ok,

enough will all the dreaming and imagination...

and after all the walk walk and talk talk...

(macam orang tua tua sudah....)
We left the bridge cz too many ppl...lolz.
*sneaky sneaky*
He apologized for not preparing any presents,

and I actually bought into his lies...

*slams head*

Yes, I was disappointed and a lil grudgy

maybe cz he did such a great job last year and this year was like down the sea in comparison...

(GUYS!! Better dont do so well initially, cz when the next year/time comes,

you'll have to live up to your standards...ahahhaa)
But when we stopped in a quieter place,

he gave a sinister smile and said:

" Actually I got a gift for you lar, it's at the back"

0.0

Then you can imagine, fist and punches to his face.

(figuratively...not literally)
Proud of his success to fool me,

he pulled out this red-wrapped box to me.

He said it's breakable...
I was guessing:

Glass accessories?

Glass souvenirs?? (mind think too straight)
SMART PHONE???

Then, to my freaking surprise

IT'S THE AUDIO TECHNICA AT2020!!
(for those of you who dont know, its a recording mic!)

I purposely dont wanna edit this pic cz wanna show you i was so touched till I struggle to take a nice pic
*denial XD*

Gorian awarding the ultimate gift to me!
He's in teary eyes...=P

For some people, you might think I'm being a lil too overreacting or high profile about this matter...
But for what you might not know,

is that I've been craving for this since quite some time.

Last 2 weeks, while I was gonna get the USB version of the AT2020,

I was 3 times stopped by the CK, SMX and Search Music sdn bhd salesman...

I was advised to buy a recording interface first then the mic with integral 3-pin XLRM type

(I'm also in my baby steps in this technical matter >.<'''')

Imagine coming this close to getting something you want,

and yet realizing that you're rushing things too fast

and there's a few steps to achieving it...

summore its all about the money money money...

(fuuuuyoh)
I was kinda desperate and down that time...

cz it's gotta take a few more months of saving up before I could purchase this babe...
And before I knew about this gift,
I spent away RM200 of my mic savings to buy Zau the concert tix...

So you can understand that in my heart I was having a lil battle.

But I couldn't bare to leave him alone at home for our anniversary.

So I thought the mic could wait...

Ironically...

there it was, in my hands.

Freaking insanity to take in at the moment.

He told me that this mic is part of realizing my big dream,

and it will be a blessing to people and myself.

So he invested and gifted it to me.

There was no teary eyes back then (now abit...)
but a great big smile on my face.

To know that he spent RM 4xx on this shizz...

and all the trouble to get it...

wow...I felt so overwhelmed and grateful.

(Tralalalal!!!)

To have someone sharing the same faith,

same vision

and passion

is something I could ever ask for from God.

And they all come in one package...

Mr. GORIAN WONG CUNG ZAU!!

I suka giler you!

V-day,

yeah its money sucking day...

but it's also a day of pleasant surprises...

a special day to feel special again...

Who says it's overrated for the love-birds?

It is if you blindly fall into those commercial tricks...

V-day

was a time for me to flash back what we've been through the whole year,

the UPs and DOWNs,

Meows and cows...

and how on earth we got together in the 1st place?

I'm blessed and grateful to find not just a bf,

a bff

but also a soulmate..

someone who knows me better than I do myself,

someone who loves the things I love doing,

someone who doesn't doubt me even when everyone and myself does...

an amazing guy who stands so firm for me...that I know I have a great friend when I'm in need.
and the list goes on enough for me to write a new song!
.

V-day vol.2,

not much sugar rush like last year,

yet sufficient amount of sweetness to make me get a tooth ache again.

Quote myself from last year:

"I believe

that we will get better and better in time"

http://jocelynstemilyn.blogspot.com/2011/03/my-first-love.html

I heart you silly Gorian!!

Conquer Me

2012-02-13T09:41:00.000-08:00

Kill me in my consciousness

and rip my heart away

take my soul and feed it to the preys

Many times i've stumbled

upon marshmellow stones

and it hurts so deep though there's nothing to bleed

Who am I to say

I;m done with this race

when you're still placing faith in me

Let the thorns tear my lips

Scattered glass pierce my skin

But I wont ever let the poison in

Its hard to take this harsh breath in

but I have the liberty to set myself free

from all these things

that wish to conquer me

Trapped

2012-02-09T00:07:00.000-08:00

Stuck in the 16th floor

you got no where to go

With no water and food

its you on your own

And you cant break through the doors

cz the key aint yours to hold

Gotta find a way find a way

to breakthrough these four walls

I gotta stop lazing around my nest

gotta learn to spread my big tiny wings

Since i cant break through this door,

why wont shall I fly away?

Maybe if I fall

someone may catch me and take me to higher heights

and I'll leave

the place I've been left behind

yet right now

this height is something I cant bare

still right nowI'll just sing untill my dear prince charming comes his way

After 20 years of cliche Christmas,the 21st was...

2011-12-26T21:25:00.000-08:00

Had so much time to spare yesterday,

so I came up with this Mistletoe inspired eye make up...

It has been so long since I played with make up since...i dunno when

it was alot of fun just drawing on my face yet...

looking fab...whee!

I bet when you read the title you might think of this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUjn3RpkcKY&ob=av2e

Amboih...i'm not a fan but that song is quite nice...

Anyways,

this make up is my symbol of missing people that you love during this festive season.

Christmas is about sharing,giving and the love of Jesus Christ...

Unfortunately for me, I wasn't able to celebrate this BIG day with close ones..

initially...=P

So, in the beginning I thought "Its gonna be lonely lonely Christmas for me"

and I might as well just squander in self-pity

and probably write some super emo song that might get my some attention on youtube

then who knows...become famous like Zee Avi???

The fantasy goes on and on...bla bla bla...

For 21 years of my life, this would be the official 1st time

I'm NOT celebrating Xmas in my hometown, Perlis...

and its also the 1st time I'm not doing performances or organizing anything

(before this I'm always really busy preparing programmes in church etc...)

BUT this year...its like a very relax and empty Christmas for me...

I felt so hollow and lost.

Worst still, my boy went off to a family trip...leaving me behind.

Just to let y'all know,

I made a terrible prayer last year.

Since last Christmas, I felt so exhausted and tired of the cliche programmes

and my parents trying to get my do everything in church...

its like the youth who stayed too long in the city has to do everything...

I felt kinda lost for the whole Christmas thingy...

So when I was on the way back to KL,

I made a prayer that by the following year (2011) I wanna have Christmas somewhere else!

and TADAH!

Here I was, alone in my hostel. LOL

Be careful with what you wish for people...

But, God is good.

I have friends who have plans to do busking and invited me,

BBQ parties....

and the very very LAST MINUTE,

a text from Henna, my best friend who was back from UK.

wow...I'm not that alone after all.

You gotta understand one thing,

that although I've always seemed to be jolly happy and surrounded by many friends...

I've always have the thought that people just treat me as a sidekick..

you know, like the "kalefe" in the movies of their lives...

I never feel important in somebody else's life...

sometimes even to ppl damn close to me...

I'm still in my rehab process...

ANYHOW,

that's the secret to how I get my inspiration to write songs. HAHAHA!

EMO SIAL...

Getting to spend my Christmas eve night with Henna and the family

having pillow talks and watching TV,

teasing The X factor USA's host...

etc...I had a simple yet heart-warming Xmas eve.. =)

LOVE!!

The next day, get to spend my Christmas at ACTS church

and the TAN families were there to gather together...

Serene, Henna and I got to gather together too!

Too bad missing out another bestie, Chucky!!

Oh well...

Just chilling out and spending the noon with them was awesome...

Unfortunately, time spent went a lil overboard,

I was late for the busking plan... aiks...

Hope there'll be one for next year.

All in all,

this is not a very exciting blog about Christmas.

But quite a heart-warming one.

Thank God for great people in my life

and the love from HIM no matter what the circumstances.

This year, instead of hustling around and getting myself lost in business

I got to slow down my footsteps and reflect back 2011.

Embracing a better 2012.

Whee!

After 20 years of cliche Christmas,the 21st was extraordinary...

but I still miss my family at this time. ><''

The Other Side of Me...

2011-11-26T09:11:00.000-08:00

Today you've found the other side of me...
You're afraid to see me being like this...its abnormal and torturous...
You hate to see me like this...

You said " I fear you"
in my heart I say "I fear me too"
=( its not like something I can change within a spin or after a sunrise...
I wish there was a better way.

Sometimes,
I fear me...after shutting the doors behind reality...
I hate myself...for faking a smile, a laughter...
I disguised myself with layers of mask, clothings to cover something I'm hiding...
I disgusted my own voice, my own inspiration...me,myself and I...

I'm not some average robotic kind gentle generous gal...
I have my flaws too...
Will you accept me as who I am?
Or will you choose the exit sign?

As I shut the doors behind reality...
I fear to enter my fantasy...

My Lil Love Life (so far)...

2011-11-09T13:04:00.000-08:00

Few more days to go and it's gonna be our 10th month together...

TIME FLIES!

(Seriously it felt like 2/3 months to me only)

Looking back, so many pages flipping by...

I must say we've been through quite alot lately...

There we have the good,bad and ugly times spent together...

Speaking about the ugly...

I remember there was once we really got into a "cold war",

and I've never ever seen him so mad before...

Turning his back against me just made me wanna run back and hug him tight...

Yet sometimes, pride is the factor which held us back...

Pride drew back the magic word "I'm sorry" away

But I really thank God that every time we fought or got into a conflict,

we're able to deal with it as soon as possible...

Each time I could see that he was afraid to hurt my heart and wants to make amends

So do I.

As cheesy as I would say: It was love that brought us back.

There was also the FUN and MANIS times...

From sharing our passion for music, performing, jamming, EATING (you can see how much i've developed in shape) and making funny noises in the car...

Zau is more than anything I can ask for a boyfriend and partner.

He's not just someone who laughs with me,

or do silly dances with me,

but he is like my family.

I'm grateful that he's so supportive in everything I'm doing,

always there to pray and cheer for me...

and he doest not resist to point out my mistakes whenever I'm wrong...

He meant well.

Music was the main factor that brought us together.

I'm always excited to be a part of his performances or practises.

Watching him play the guitar and totally enjoying music really vibes me up!

I love the fact that we pray together backstage before rocking it. =D

Also, I enjoy the times when we watched youtube together (whether its music related or 康熙来了) and exchange thoughts.

Then the best part is jamming out!

Whee~

From playing rock songs to jamming Beyond's song to singing Faye Wong's ballad,

(though rockers dont really sing ballads but...oh well)

those were great times =)

I've found not just a good partner, but a music-lover lover. XD

So far this relationship taught me to understand each other,

to discover different sides of us,

to solve conflicts (which I hate for it to ever happen),

to care,

to be supportive,

to strive to be a better companion,

to express my affections not just to one another but to others too,

to get to know myself as well...

most importantly,

I've learned to love.

I know 10 months doesnt mean anything compared to 10 years,

and 10 years is nothing compared to eternity...

That's why I'm hoping for the better to come.

We're still in our baby steps in this relationship,

yet i'm savouring every bit of it.

Every step is a lesson,

every leap brings growth.

Frankly I'm fearful of what may happen in the future,

but somehow my heart is rest assure that as long as we continue to trust

and work things out....

and lastly put our faith in our Lord Jesus Christ...

This relationship will stand strong through the worst storms.

I heart you silly guy. Meow!

A Wilted Rose

2011-11-01T00:02:00.000-07:00

New leafs will somehow fall to the ground

Red roses will someday loose it's charm

It hard to live a legacy forever

or hold that polite mask infront of you.

Your true colours will be shown

somehow someday anyway...

So much rage and anger within

Oh how could I ever reach your heart?

When two subjective thoughts collide,

who are we to decide?

If the rage continues,

If we would just stay still

Not doing a thing,

holding aback for each other...

We'll always be like a wilted rose

A wilted rose.

You,You,You

2011-09-26T03:03:00.000-07:00

Put on my cherry red dress

and flowery socks

just to brighten up my gloomy day

Yeah~

Walk in the middle of the rain

just to feel the cool cool shower

Let it wash my sadness away

The sun is gone somehow

oh why are there cloudy clouds?

Are they feeling the same as I do?

Oh come what may

I got my swagger jacket on

Gonna face this world with a winning smile...

My world would never ever be completed

if it's without

You, you, you...

coming through through through

In and out

turning my world upside down

And changed the way I feel

Towards this cold cold cold world

Now I wanna swirl swirl swirl

In the middle of the storm

where all the hurricane falls

down down down down....on me.

Saving the world ain't something easy

but your love will guide me through

You're the only one who can sail my ship

so how ever could I forsake.....

Dont Wake Me Up Tonight

2011-08-01T10:15:00.000-07:00

Dont wake me up tonight
I will be sleeping tight
dreaming that I'll be alright

Daisies will bloom for me
Warm wind embracing me
They say that I'm looking amazing

I'll dream of a place unknown
With sweet songs and moonlight glow

Where joy and happiness flow

My boy will be by my side
Say that everything's gonna be alright
His love for me will never be a lie

*Though I'm wrong
and always made the silly choices
Though I'm weak
and never put things right in place

I'm not perfect
There's always a hole inside my being
But I know I can mend my broken heart
with your love

You can mend my broken heart
with your love...

Dont wake me up tonight,
I'll dream a lil dream of paradise
You will be holding my hand,
and I'll be the best gal alive...

Holding My Hand

2011-07-05T00:23:00.000-07:00

I wanna hold your hand

And count every little step with you

With you

I know it’s a long long way

But you are my sustaining fuel

Oh...

Maybe somewhere along this road

There’ll be storms and cloudy days

Between us

Maybe sunshine wont stay long

Yet behind every dark sky

Is a brand new day

Baby baby,

We will walk out of this

I want you to be the one next to me

Baby baby,

You got my word in this

I’m not perfect but I’m willing to try

And it’s ok,

I will never slip away

As long as you’re holding my hand.

I never thought my dreams would come true

It’s such a blessing to have you…

To have you …in my life

p/s: Any suggestions for a nicer title? Always have problems titling my songs...Hope to be able to record this into a decent song! Oooo yeah...

Just Be Yourself

2011-06-30T23:34:00.000-07:00

This lovely cat ain't shy of the camera.

Imagine: I'm just using a 18-55mm lens, I gotta go super near to get a close shot.

SUPER UBER CLOSE

It wasn't frighten away or self-conscious,

it stayed the way it likes to be...

see that? miao!

Then it got me thinking...

how many times we are so aware of ourselves,

till we lost it all?

We've been living in the stereotypes,

afraid and shy to express...

being in the cliche...

Yeah, we're living under surveillance all the time..

CCTVs, cameras and even HUMAN CCTVs everywhere...

We've been conformed and tolerate with the things of this world.

Afraid that our inner self would be expose.

Thumbs up for praying cat posture!

Geez...

Having said so much,

who am I to say all these things?

I'm no different.

Sometimes I wish I live under no one's care.

Being my own.

I'm not saying that we can do whatever we want or become crazy on the road..

Yes, we faced many obstacles that hinder us from soaring free,

I believe if there's a will, there's a way,

and there's a God who will open the door if we are willing to let him do so.

I'm just wishing that I can be like this cat...

though there are cameras just inches away,

it couldnt careless but to continue chillin'

"Peace out your fellow humans, brrr meeeow!"

Now that's what I call being yourself.

Shitty

2011-06-28T05:39:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since I post something...
and today I felt so shitty that I have to write something to get things off my chest...

but...I WILL delete this post someday...when i read it back...
ok...I MAYBE will...(welcome to a world of paradox)

Trust, a big issue.
Lying is another crime,
Both of these clashes and never compliment each other...
but often, ppl lie to gain trust...
and many bought the idea.

Sometimes, there are situation where we cant avoid doing so.
To prevent an inconvenient situation,
to avoid fights...and quarrels...
to make someone else feel good.

Many times I wonder...
have I trusted the right person?
am I wrong for lying to avoid something worse that is about to happen?
These 2 issues in my life...are hard to define.
It's like you're trying to explain the feeling after a roller coaster ride...
you're lost for words and all you can say is "My heart almost flew out!"

I'm not specifically pointing out to any event....
it's just something happened, hard enough to make me realize...
that I've been cheating myself all these while.

and I'm shitty 21.

Dont Judge A Photographer By Their Camera

2011-04-28T03:03:00.000-07:00

So, I was pretty bored after TITAS exam the other day,

bored of Facebook, Youtube and watching American Next Top Model

(You could see how BORED I was)

So...

I decided to take my long-abandoned nikon D5000 for a walk.

Snip Snap hour, yay!

While I was at the peak of my excitement,

I met an intimidating photographer.

It was a friendly talk in the beginning but things went a lil spicy after that.

He was judging my ISO settings, my lens (cz i just have kit lens) and when he saw that i was using manual mode, he was like "Wah, you use manual mode arr??!"

=.='''!!!

Yeah I get it,

photographers like to show off their skills and what not right?

Ok, maybe not all...

but mostly are those half-bucket-water ones...

(Ouch!)

Its not that I'm being "small gas" or unreasonable,

but my point is,

just because I'm a girl and I own a D5000 with no additional whatsoever bombastic lens,

it doesn't make me a rich-spoiled-gal who happens to buy a DSLR and treat it like a digital camera.

I have full respect for it and I dont take it for granted.

and yeah, I know how to use Manual mode too....mind you.

or else why would I ever wanna own a DSLR?

Thanks to him, 50% of my enthusiasm was put off.

I wonder why, but I was pretty upset with his perception of me.

as a photographer, that is.

...

However, being the noobie, amateurish photographer,

I just walked around and snip snap a few pics...

The varsity lake could be boringly interesting at times....

lol.

Here's a pic that I took

Its like a lady trying to wrap herself up with her robe.

The whole experience was a lesson for me.

To not judge a photographer by its camera.

Sometimes, I do make the same misakes as Mr.Thinks-He's-Better-photographer,

that is to have a judgemental view towards others.

Who knows, they may look like a noobie,

but actually is a pro?

The main point is not just to own great gadgets, or know a bunch of great skills,

but also to snap pics that have quality and touching to the soul.

Yada,yada,yada....

I better stop ranting.

This Fragile Being

2011-03-29T16:09:00.000-07:00

Feeling so lost...

I've lost all that "moxy" within...

My fingers are running dry,

skin growing dead...

The only nourishing element is my sickening fragile heart...

I'm indeed hard to grasp

insanely insecure

and unforgivably dishonest with my own self...

Ain't living in a bed of roses...

but I know life aint gonna go my way...

still in my baby steps to learn how to compromise,

to be understanding

and knowing how to sing my dishonest being to the world...

Help me Lord,

no one could assure this restlessness but you.

Place your melodies upon my lips,

so that I can write and sing again...

Even if the world turn its back on me,

I know...

I have someone dearly above awaiting to embrace... ...

this fragile being...

Your Smile : )

2011-03-21T18:56:00.000-07:00

I wake up in the morning

listening to the rain sing...

Could you feel my heartbeat darlin'?

Wish that time would just

slow down it's pace

so I could look into your eyes a lil longer.

I know its cliche to say this,

your smile lights the day out of me...

It's funny to say such words,

as I'm not that die-hard romantic...

But one thing I wouldn't deny is that...

I love your smile,

and all that's within.

(another song undone...hmmm...)

My First Love

2011-03-13T21:40:00.000-07:00

For 21 years of my life,

this is my 1st time being in a relationship.

So much to learn and experience...

I'm excited

so am I terrified.

Heard too many stories and experience from others...

how they went from lovey-dovey to break ups...

from inseparable to separable...

Many said that after the chase,

the guys will not be as keen as before once they got you...

so have to "diao ge" (play hard to get)

etc... ...

For the pass few weeks,

indeed I felt like the luckiest gal in the world

(yes, its that cliche to say this when you're in love)

He's been such an angel in my life.

Never felt so blessed and loved by a guy before.

I guess the main reason I gave him THE green light was because

I felt security

He's simple

and insanely funny

I love to watch him laughing at his own silly jokes at times...

which is really really silly!

Sometimes I wonder why I enjoy this(????)

I love the way he does little things to care,

the way he held my hand when we're in the car,

talks about everything without any holding back...

I'm glad that he trusted me,

(and so do I).

He's full of surprises.

(and maybe he knows I love surprises...)

Finally found someone who can actually surprise me out of my expectations...

I guess he must have squeezed all his brain juice out...
(valentines day,when he talked on stage during Dayao...)

that was rather exhilarating...

His love for music is genuine.

Not just to show it off, but savour it even though when no one listens.

Just look at the way he plays his guitar.

If thats not passion, then I don't know how you rate it anymore.

He shows his affection naturally.

After being with him only I realized,

I was after all as shy as any other girl in love.

(which I thought I'll never react like this in my life =.=)

Good thing he is kind enough to take initiative...

I know to some people,

it seemed like a fast ride for both of us.

But no matter what people may say and judge,

the decision falls into our hands.

Whether we want to take it a step further or let it be,
its up to us.

There are so many examples out there,

but in the end, we decide our own future.

I cant live based on other ppl's opinions and views alone.

I'm a newbie...

or maybe a noobie.

But I believe as long I put my trust in him and God...

we shall overcome the thorns and stones ahead.

I'm not alone in this journey.

People and the world may tell you

things will get worse as time goes by...

... ...

But I believe that

we will get better and better in time.

I heart you,silly guy!

Rhythm of Love

2011-03-04T11:21:00.000-08:00

I cant tell how much I'm in love with music...
It's like a best friend who understands your every thoughts and emotions
It's like a sweet kiss upon your lips...
something so irresistible and addictive...

Since joining Da Yao ( a song composing unit at my university),
I've learned so much in my music life...
never once I played,sang and dance along with so many music gigs out there before...
and learned so much about music and its beauty...

Some inspired me to be a better musician,
savour every detail of every note...
They showed me how to listen to songs
and worked together as a band/team.

Some inspired me to be a better singer...
to sing with dynamics and emotions....
to convey the meaning and message of the song...
not just merely a tune that spreads out from your tongue...

Many inspired me to share and care...
As we all know, sharing is caring...
Through others I learned to share my knowledge
(though I'm not that pro after all....XD)
and also to sincerely care for one another like a family....

I've really enjoyed myself in this family of music...
we all come from different backgrounds, shapes and sizes...
but music is the main reason we are all together...

Yeah we will face conflicts,
ups and downs...
but I do hope everyone is moving in the same direction and one heart...
that is to share the passion and wonders of music.

As in the lyrics of a song I wrote:
" So no matter who you are, just listen to the rhythm of love"
Truly everyone is different and unique in their own way,
but the same passion draws all of us in the same family...

I'm glad I've made my choice to stay back in Malaysia...
Seems like God's way is so much better than my own way....
I believe Yao Lan Shou is gonna be a huge stepping stone to reach for my dreams in the future...
and there's just so much to learn and offer back!!

I hope I made a difference here...
and hopefully I've blessed someone,somewhat, somehow....

I've always thought the moon out there is rounder and brighter,

but this time maybe I was wrong... =P

就在下着雨的下午...

2011-02-23T23:42:00.000-08:00

现在的心情就像外面的雨...
下得又大又猛烈...

不懂为何心里流了那么多的泪...
感到很累,很辛苦...
到底要如何才是对？
怎样才是错？
难道我现在所想的就是一时的冲动？一时的不理智？
一时感情用事？

似乎被紧崩得说不出话来...
总之，我所说的最后也会被反击...

我没有刻意去为谁辩护,
我确确实实地在诉说我心里的感受....
最后换来冷漠的眼光...

很伤...
又不懂找谁好...
最靠近我的人,似乎也不了解....
希望上帝能够安慰...

这是我第一次为你流泪...

Gift (new song)

2011-02-22T04:48:00.000-08:00

I think of you on a summer's day

and all the pretty gifts that you gave

It's like a kiss on my cheek on a valentine's day.

You pull a smile on my face.

You're a gift for all occasion

for all kinds of celebration.

Ooo....ooo...

How I love you.

I wrote this song during lunch time at Subway. This is a song I wrote for an advertisement video for the business competition.

I know...totally random and out-of-place for me to join such a competition.

Anyhow, its too late to turn back...at least I'm able to use my talents for this competition right?

Every word I sing is true. =)

To listen to the song, here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liHabXjBPPA

support!!!

Color de Rosa

2011-02-15T18:22:00.000-08:00

gracias por la maravillosa rosa

=/

2011-02-15T09:28:00.002-08:00

Suppose to be sleeping now...

gosh.

My mind cant stop spinning and working...

Hungry.

Wish you could bring me out for supper...

as always.

But I guess I gotta control my appetite.

or else we both would end up overweight...

I hope to get some air to breathe

some space to venture...

Its time to drive on my own

and see how GPS leads the right way.

Either further or nearer...

only time will tell.

Kite Metaphor

2011-02-09T09:43:00.000-08:00

I love standing at the wide paddy fields,

feeling the breeze and the warm sunshine...

Nothing beats the stillness of the beautiful sight.

I love freedom,

I dislike being tied down and boxed up.

Yet, I'm terrified for the day,

that I will choose to give it up for someone else.

I know many people have been using the kite metaphor

to write songs all over the world.

I'm not exception and not trying to be a copy cat.

This is just really what I felt.

After flying kite with my sis and her friends,

I realized...I'm really like a kite.

The more you pull the string, the more it will fly higher.

But when you apply tension on the string,

the kite will soar high and steady in the atmosphere.

I'm exactly what it is like.

The more you go against me, the more I would rebel against you.

But with proper tension and guidance,

I would stay firm.

That is how amazing God is to me.

He knows me more than I do for myself.

He kept me rooted and firm on His ground.

So that no matter how incessant I flew in the air,

I'll still be rooted in Him.

Hopefully,

someday,someone,somehow

could be the secondary string of my kite.

Oh why am I so melancholic now??

Must be those gastric juice...

Strings Attached

2011-01-27T11:21:00.000-08:00

I dont know what you could see in me...

this rebellious and hard-to-grasp person... ...

I'm like a thin string in one's hand...

I could slip off any moment if you're incautious.

But I thank you for your love and care

for making me a string attached

and not easily detached.

Dont tie me to the ground
and leave me be
I may appear to be a strong one
but one cut could break my nylon thin heart

This tight grip.
keeps pulling me,
from the clouds back to your ground.

Dont Want Today To End

2011-01-23T12:39:00.000-08:00

Felt like there's needles poking my glassy heart...
I dont wanna sleep or close my eyes...
I just dont want this day to end...

Simply because...

I dont tomorrow to come.
By then, you wont be around.

Hide...

2011-01-14T13:19:00.000-08:00

I love to hide within the curtains of my hair...
when the fringe start caving in,
covering my bare face...there's a sense of security.

Its a pathetic way to hide away from the world.

Like the ostrich stuffing its head into the ground when troubles come,
Like the how we wish we could dig a hole when everything is going wrong,
Like how people squeeze those earphones into their ears to shut them down from others....

Like them,
I hide my face within curtains of hair.

Such a crappy self-defence.

The Baker's Metaphor

2011-01-12T10:40:00.000-08:00

It's been a roller coaster ride...
I've been through many rides...
each roller coaster ride get bigger and bigger...
higher and higher....

The momentum keeps increasing...
and so is the pounding of my heartbeat.
(ok,enough with the metaphor)

I'm not writing this post because of something major happened...
I mean,this certain event did lead me to think towards this issue....

Eventhough a baker may not taste the cake he baked...
but as long that cake is appreciated and favoured...
it brings happiness to the customer's life...
Why not?

He may need to damage a few more ovens,
burn some cakes,
break some glasses whatsoever...
All this in the effort for baking better tasting cakes someday.

The baker could have focus on that bad taste of the cake,
but instead, he choose to believe in what he believe:
To be the next BIG BAKER in town.
with the help of his tauke of course....

Dont worry,
this lil rant is just to get things off my chest.
So I could feel much sane...and less insane.
haha!

Ok, bad breath is out...
Gotta keep those childish attitude back into the bin...
time to get back to work!
See how lovely my smile is...*ching!*

Where are my baking tools??

2011 New Year Resolution

2011-01-09T21:52:00.000-08:00

It's only the 3rd week since I came back and it felt like I've already gone through waves of experience!
Phew....
Surfing through those tough yet bittersweet moments...
In the end all is well....

I'm still in one piece.

It's been a self-realizing period for me.
Since the drama camp, bookfair performance, MMU performance and yesterday's Dayao singer's audition...
I must say, I've not slow down and take a recap of my 2010...
Didnt even have time to sit down and write my new year's resolution.

This year, i'm gonna keep it simple...Dont wanna list down like 10 things and fail to fulfill it like every other years...actually...I've not written any new year resolution since....2007??
So, today I figured out a few (may add a few in the future):

1. To manage my finances wisely. (for this,cannot reveal too much here)
2. Pay my tithes every month
3. Write different genres of music
4. Be punctual for class
5. Do my devotion DAILY!!! (unless I really cant)
6. UP my guitar and piano skills

Considering:
*letting someone in?
*learn a new instrument?

Hmm...does it seem like an impossible thing to do??? I hope so not...haha
I was actually thinking including "Do not skip class for lame reasons".....but I guess punctuality is a challenge for me itself...better not set the standard too high 1st...
I'm being very honest with myself and to those who are reading this...haha...
You guys are my witness!!

I've been a bad bad student for the last semester...hoho.
10mins to next class! Dont wanna be late right? heheh!

2010-12-24T14:33:00.000-08:00

what a tiring and shitty Christmas...
Felt so lost this year...i'm just exhausted.(all aspects)

Kuching Trip (day 2)

2010-12-22T12:33:00.000-08:00

Ah...finally got time to write about Day 2...

So early in the morning after a nice meal in Lime Tree hotel,

we took a 30++min journey to Bako National Park...

we have to take a 20min boat ride there...

cam whore session! Yeah, i know to some photographers who sees this will think i'm going insane...

but who says we cant camwhore with a DSLR in a jumpy boat in the middle of the sea? lolz

Beautiful sky that day. =)

*mute*

We got off the boat and walked to the beach. Its not really a beach though..

more like harden mud-soil-ground to me...

but the scenery was awesome...

found this umbrella looking tree,which resembles to a landmark we saw in Chiang Mai

a year ago...*snap!*

LOLz...

after wow-ing at the beach and saw some wild bore running naked,

we started our hiking journey into the Bako hills!

Aint this cute? This moss is everywhere on the ground wherever we stepped...

see?? but its fancy looking though...

there's actually alot of plants and trees photo, but i guess it'll basically appeals the same

to those who have less interest in agriculture/plants...

As a daughter of an agriculturist, I MUST at least pretend to be interested right?

lolz...but i love nature,dont get me wrong...

Went to the top of the hill and found lots of pitcher plant!

This is the medium size...

We then took a short cut way...the guide took use us to walk amongh the mangroves trees!

Which is so stoked! Walking among those respiratory roots and sea water,,,

of course we need some SS pics!.

Dad posey again...(he requested this!)

Well,later that we had lunch, walked a lil more...

yada yada yada...

rested...

and in a blink of an eye, its dinner time!!

A friend brought us to this restaurant...modest looking one...

This is the "Ou Jian". The oyster wasnt fried at all...

should be called "Ou Boh Jian" (hokkien)

haha..but it was nice.

This is another one to intro...

they call it "pilin",a kind of paku pakis...

the texture was nice...love the lil crispy "branches" running through my teeth...

haha!!

thats the best I can describe myself...=P

There were more food but those you can find in west malaysia lar..

Overall, I enjoyed myself in the GREENS.

I told my family "After months of living in the concrete jungle, now I finally entered the real jungle"

FRESH AIR!!

Day3-5 coming soon!!

stay tune =)

Kuching Family Trip [Day 1]

2010-12-18T08:38:00.000-08:00

After the melaka music camp,

I had to rush straight back hometown to prepare for my family trip to Kuching.

It was a tough choice for me to do so cz I wanted BADLY to join the singer's workshop. I know its gonna be fruiful workshop and tonnes of crazy fun. But family is priority and my mom would kill me if I change my mind last minute.LOLz

So,I packed my bags. And the next morning,we arrived at the Penang Airport.

Here's the story:

You wonder where I got my hyper genes? Answer: Dad.

He's posing...lol

Lovely weather...=) and the clouds are like cottons...

felt like jumping on them and have a nice noon nap!

Reached the Kuching airport. Found this funny lady standing and smiling at us...

Seeing her so pityful all by herself, we decided to give her a warm greeting.

Got to our hotel. The LimeTree Hotel. Everything is related to the theme "Lime".

And its pretty subLIME...lol

The small living room...lol

Bathtub! I know i'm kinda overreacting about it but its huge!

can fit in 3 gals ler...lolz

There are 2 rooms but I'm just gonna show the main one.

Super Uber comfy!

After jumping around the bed, we went for dinner...hehe

We walked around the hotel area and found this...

Dad wanted to give it a try so...

SERIOUSLY looking through the menu..hmmmm

Left : Jiang Nan noodles,lotsa vege,not bad lar..Right: Duck Noodles is GOOD!Duck meat very delish

Tomato sauce noodles...the name says it all....yeah....=.=

We went to take a walk at the Waterfront riverside...

Saw this...the Dewan Undangan Negeri...

dang,so much nicer than the mini Putrajaya in Perlis...

its like Palace floating on water...

And some self-indulging momens at a unique story telling wall...

about some crocodile...etc

The hotel gave us complementary drinks at its lounge.

Lime Soda! lol

Went to play some "needle" game....dont know the actual name for this game.

HAHA!and obviously I suck like a chicken....

A lil view of the lounge.

Small yet fancy. If there's a few friends to be around would be much fun.

Then its sleeping time...lol.

There goes a day and the adventure is yet to take place...

Stay tune for day 2!

I'm a Work In Progress

2010-12-08T20:03:00.000-08:00

So, I woke on the wrong side of bed today. Received a phone call from Dad, asking me to go back as soon as possible. He was expecting alot from me for the church Christmas programme. Sighs....we kinda got into an unpleasant conversation as I try to explain why I cant go back so soon yet. Anyhow, I feel bad for not being able to divide myself into half and enjoy the best of both worlds. So yeah...9.30a.m was a bad start of my morning...

I have 3 things going on at the same time today...one heck of a time table...
So, being in a rising temper, what would you usually do? Continue to sleep?Eat?Facebook?Youtube??Find someone to talk to??
I decided to find someone to talk to...someone whom I've neglected for sometime...God.
Laugh it out..i dont mind but yeah, He is someone I've been hiding in the closet for days. Living in an unhealthy lifestyle, not attending church for 2 weeks...actually made me felt very much disconnected from God. Though He has been blessing me alot these days, but I'm feeling bad for not seeking him hard enough like I used to be....so, I did my devotion today! (somebody say Yeah!! =P )

And BINGO....everytime when I do my devotion...its just so specific and intimate. I know for some of you who do not believe in God/Jesus Christ, you may not get what I feel,but dont worry, it could happen to you someday. =P I'm reading from Ps.Joel Osteen's "Your Best Life Now".
In Ephesians 2:10 " We are God's workmanship,created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do".
We are all uniquely crafted by God...each of us has our own special traits and talents. He sees the best in you and our good moves!

This actually struck me alot.
I've been living in self-condemnation all this while. Though I always self praise saying I"m the prettiest gal in the world,bla bla bla....I'm actually a very low esteem gal. I need alot of encouragement and confirmation from people to feel proud of myself or something I've done. Especially for the song I've written, I usually get so happy when ppl like it although the quality of the sound may not be as good...I based my self-value TOO MUCH on other ppl's feedback. So, whenever there's not enough good respond or there are some harsh critiques on what I've done, I get utterly discouraged. And then I'll fall into a stage of self-condemnation and hatred. I wont usually admit this to ppl or show it too much....cz its gonna make me look pathetic...haha....

Anyways, today's message was so straight to the bull's eye. *Hiak!*....hit right to my heart...
"Your sense of value isnt based on your achievements,how well you perform,how somebody else treats you, or how popular or successful you are. Your sense of value extends from the fact that you are a child of the Most High God."
"As his unique creation, you have something to offer this world that nobody else has, that nobody else can be!"
WOW WOW WOW...
this is indeed very encouraging...most importantly, it just speaks the hell out of me. Its just like someone giving u a general advice that actually speaks so specifically to your hurting heart. And it gives you the *eureka* moment. Like *ching!* then you awake from a long dream....its just like sleeping beauty waking up from death after the prince kissed her...(ok enough with the drama...HAHA)

I guess after joining Yao Lan Shou (a song writing based music group in UM)...my expectations for my music has gone from 50% to 101%...haha....after witnessing all those talents from others, my competitive spirit just shoots up. Its not really a Jocelyn kinda mindset though. However, it affects me more than anything. I feel so inadequate, so defeated and lost. Being an impatient person, I just wanna reach to a high level instantly. So I got kinda lost of where to start best cz I wanna find that short cut to "professionalism"...LOL.
In the end, I ended up in frustration and condemn. I was being quite hard upon myself.

And there are also alot of things that made me felt the same...such as my drama studies,relationships (ooo lala) and believe it or not I also cared about my looks....haha...not usually what I would think of...but yeah....
I just wanna be good in everything...greedy greedy gal...

But today God is reminding me that I'm his workmanship...meaning I'm in the process of being crafted. I forgotten that I"m in a process of learning! It takes time and years to reach there. I am a "work in progress". LOL...I shouldn't be so discourage,instead be happy about where I am and keep absorbing what I've learned yesterday and today.God is moving me to greater things,day by day,bit by bit....(Amen to that! Somebody say YEAH!)

Looking back to how far I've gone, from a small town to a huge city...I can't say that I achieved nothing. And I'm grateful for what I have.
I may not see God physically, but all I have around me, all I've experienced and went through, allows me to experience His presence in my life. Its just so real.

*Thank you for loving me despite my rebellious heart.*
May this be an encouragement and inspiration to all you who read this. I hope you're blessed!!
=)

"You may not be everything you WANT to be,

but thank God that you're not what you USED to be"

Lame Song

2010-11-29T17:23:00.000-08:00

I am a cool headed person

as plain to see

a storm coming right towards me

still i'm sipping tea

Sun rays beating on my curtains

as warm as can be

heating up the dust among it

so are my cold feet

Who says every song

must have a distinctive meaning

and couldnt be lame?

If only this world

would be less complicated

I bet many would agree

singing about dust is no sin

2 hours before my exam and here

I am, with my ukulele. =)

Nature in the Concrete Jungle

2010-11-29T12:42:00.000-08:00

... ...

2010-11-25T11:27:00.000-08:00

Counting those footsteps on the ground
it may not be much
but its good enough to make me smile...

(something that came to my mind instantly...)

Music.Passion.Expression

2010-11-20T11:08:00.000-08:00

I know its pretty long, but I just gotta blurt the overwhelming feeling here!! Bare with me...

So, last night I went to watch the band JUNK played a gig in a cafe (HotSpot) at Damai Damansara. It was definitely an anticipating moment for me. (Finally getting out from my room,surely a great thing to do!)

When we got there, HotSpot was a cafe in one slot of the shop houses, not very big but comfy. I was immediately attracted by the decoration of the place. There were instruments all over the place! Ranging from guitar to violin,trombone,smaller guitar,conga,piano.It was like a music museum! There were also pictures of famous people,pics of the owner's younger days...Even the kitchen was decorated with old pots and pans above and beside it...so uber cool.
And the thing that attracted me the most was the stage. It was a modestly beautifully decorated stage. Small yet its decent. Yellow lights, with more old pics decorated at the background...wow. It gave such a strong indie feeling, I loved it! Ahh, I could just go on and on and on describing...lets not go into there shall we? lol

ANYWAYS, the band went up to sound check and immediately they attracted ppl's attention.Like a friend of mine,Calvin said: "This is probably the most lansi sound check ever..." And so JUNK started Junking (jamming), and the whole jazzy groovy tune got ppl nodding,clapping, and ever dancing! The lady who owns the shop was moving along to the music and dancing her heads off, as in literally swinging her hair from left to right...wooo...and shortly after that her husband climbed up the counter to get his trombone down. He walked up the stage and started playing along with the band! LOL...That was pretty random but awesome. The trombone was rusty of course, but he played with such enjoyment. I just cant describe the joy on his face as he played. And in one of the songs, the auntie just stepped on stage, start singing to the blues! It was totally improvised on the spot. Totally caught me off guard, and in awe. Mind-blowing. Her voice...argh...i wish I could play it back to u now...*press replay button* =P

Then after JUNK, there were other punk rock/emo rock/rock rock/metal rock...whatever rock bands who went up to perform. I must say, those were what I really called the RAW talents. Most of it were singing/sreaming their lungs off while banging on their instruments. It was mostly unpleasant to the ear cz I was sitting so darn close to the big speakers and the way they play the music could use more practice & improvement...But apart of being sarcastic, I could see the PASSION in them. When they play their music on stage, you could tell how excited and set-free they were,same thing goes to the band mates of JUNK and the couple of HotSpot. There's just so much intensity and passion inside all of them. I believe I was in the midst of them as well. I know what it feels like to have a place for you to express the music deep inside, that kind of emotional release...its just indescribable. Every musician/singer/performer should understand this situation. We are just craving for a place where people LISTENS and APPRECIATES our music and ourselves.

(Fuyoh...such intensity. LOL...could feel the sweat in my palms now.)

A touching moment was the auntie came to us and told us her compassion towards all these youngsters. She kept emphasizing that we young ppl should have a stage to express ourselves. Good or bad quality music its fine...as long as we are heard by others. She continued that music is not drugs,violence or something negative as many ppl would perceived it is (I think she was referring to the punk rock kinda music more specifically).
Anyhow, I think she has a point. And I'm so grateful for ppl like her and her husband for opening such a great opportunity for everyone to sing and express our own artsy music side. =) She welcomed everyone to come play music at HotSpot, just give her a call. Ooo lala! Truly, I'm so touched by this couple.

It was definitely a passionate night. I cant think of any other words to use except for that. Especially towards the end, where everyone was just singing along to "Kau Ilhamku"...it was pretty a pretty sight. Heart-moving too. Despite the noisiness of the music and cigarette smokes (which was killing my lungs off), it was really a pleasant night. I did not regret hanging out with the guys. Definitely a night that I learned alot and was blessed.

What keeps us performing ppl going on despite all the obstacles?
PASSION (say it in a french way)
Muuuuah!!Ooo lala....

=)

Pink piano.Mmmm...wonder who would buy this?
Paris Hilton.

Like the Way I Look...

2010-11-19T04:07:00.000-08:00

And I know there's something about you boy
that I couldnt get my mind off anymore
The wish of you being here with me
the thrill of having time with you just for a minute
The way you try to tease me
with some other guys out there that I wouldn't look at

Like the way I look into your eyes
if only you notice
Like the way I move and talk around you
if only you notice
I would have walked away
cause somehow we're not meant to be
but your gravitational eyes keeps pulling me
from the clouds back to your ground

I've always dreamt of holding your hand
somehow your arms are far from grasp
She's always there beside you
trying to get your eyes to look into hers
I know I'm no competition
but i really really thrist just for one glance from you

I keep looking back
oh i cant stop to look back

L.I.P (live in peace)

2010-11-14T12:44:00.000-08:00

Little drops of rain
falling
on my window pane
chillin'

Got a tummy ache
gastric
couldn't feel a thing
headache

why must this whole world be so
sophisticated complicated
realistic,cruel and
dark

why cant we just be as jolly as could be?
no more tension,anger and
frustration
I just wanna live in peace.

*another unfinished song*

Reality Shows Otherwise

2010-11-14T06:58:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought I stand a chance to be good,

reality shows otherwise.

Just when I thought I'm quite good in music,

reality shows i'm less than average.

Just when I thought I could act well,

reality shows that I'm just a clown

Just when I thought I'm independent,

reality shows that I'm pathetically lonely.

oh my ego

and naiveness...

forgive me for feeling that way at times...

Reality shows otherwise.

I guess I live too much in a world of dreams and imagination.

Ukulele Hunt

2010-11-09T10:08:00.001-08:00

So,

after "The White Snake In You "

I was so darn free...

Free till the extend

that I ventured around KL

(times square, sungai wang, pavilion, bukit bintang area,mid valley,pudu station,ikea...)

for a UKULELE HUNT!

Yes, i've been craving for it quite some time now...

and before I could rush into buying one,

Pastor Soon Lee offered to lend his ukulele to me for the time being.

He said its better for me to learn it,

fall in love with it (for long terms that is...not just for the moment)

then invest a good one...

And so,

here it is, the Mahalo ukulele

not mine but I'm already in love with it...

(for now...that is...lol)

hehehe...

trying to be pro.

Well, if you know how to play guitar,

its definitely easy for u to pick up ukulele,

cz its quite similar in a way.

Ukulele gives such a joyful and bubbly tone,

I feel like I'm at a nice beautiful beach on a peaceful evening.

Ahh~~ my imagination running wild now.

Did a different version for my song "Make me Somebody"

using the ukulele... =)

It sounded just perfect!

Every litttle thing you do...

2010-11-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

... ... I do adore.

Puppy love is hard to ignore.
=)

Smile : )

2010-10-29T12:19:00.000-07:00

I have to admit...

feeling kinda melancholic today.

Was spending some time with the seniors from the song-writing sociey...

From our conversations...

I felt that somehow......

that 1st place I achieved was just mere luck.

No, I dont believe in luck.

I guess I was a little more fortunate that day.

Have to be grateful still.

I have to much to learn and improve.

and I'm feeling so pressured and tension.

Pursuing originality and uniqueness,

trying to write the right tune that shouts myself.

Browsing some of my pics,

its funny...

cz I make myself smile!

BTW,

Discovered a new singer today,

Mindy Gledhill.

First heard her song "Whole Wide World"

Immediately I was strucked!

Everyword, every verse speaks so similar to my heart.

"I wanna hold the whole wide world, right here in my open hands.

Maybe I'm just a little girl, a little girl with great big plans"

wow.

Then there's "Hourglass"

" When you reach for the stars, dont forget who you are.

Please dont turn around and grow up way too fast.

See the sand in my grasp, from the first to the last.

Every grain turns into the memory of the past.

Oh,life's an hour glass."

I love indie kinda songs.

and the lyrics isnt hard to digest,

furthermore,

it speaks straight to my soul.

Just couldnt help but smile even more.

You know,

its ok to feel defeated once in a while.

Just gotta know how to get back on track and strive on.

I know there's many trying to pull me down,

also many behind me, backing me up...

Most importantly,

I own the promise from my Father above.

His words are true and never failing.

I hold on to it,

and I believe somehow, someday...

I'll also be that girl singing songs inspiring others...

bringing smiles to another's face.

: )

Tired.Sleep.Rants

2010-10-27T02:46:00.001-07:00

Finaly got some time to slow down
and write some shizz here...

Its been a tiring and stressful week...
The show is a week later and things are starting to get tense...
much more stressful than my previous zebra act...
I deeply understood the amount of PAIN in the ass for a stage manager...

PLUS,
with all the exams, group works and events coming up,
all demanding for 100% commitment...
I'm totally wear off.

So many 100% to commit...
how could I ever do so?
There are some which I felt like quitting...but...is it too late?
argh...whose to blame?

All this while,
I've been acting as if I can handle all this business and stress...
but clearly today I felt otherwise...
Though my face reflects the fatigueness and the lack-of-sleep syptoms,
but I keep a positive attitude to deal with things one step at a time...

But today...
huuu....after a crappy morning....
All I wanna do was SLEEP...
but i realize...I hardly have the time to do so...

I really wanted to tell somebody or anybody,
verbally that " I AM TIRED!!!"
but I dont wanna show people that I'm weak or
maybe they'll say "Serve you right for being too active"
so...I'll just BLURT everything out here and I'll be fine...

I guess...

Well, so much for the rants...
its time to get back straight up and fix things one at a time...
I know I might sound foolish or pathetic or whatever you wanna think about me...
but once I've taken the responsibility,
I learned that I have to accomplish it till its done...

So...
15mins to the next task...
ZzzZzzZZZzzzzz

As Much As I...

2010-10-17T15:17:00.000-07:00

I wont tell the time

but just so you know that it is late

I've been thinking all day

all midnight about you.

Everyone is asleep

leaving just the crickets here with me

The chill of coldnights

sinks deep within my skin...

As the memory of you

penetrates deeply through

This core of my heart

could ever contain more of you

As much as I wanna be in your arms

I just want you to be happy

As much as I wanna hold you

I pray that you'll find love that last

I'll just stand here in the distance

waiting at the corners of your life

hoping that you'll see something differently in me.

As much as I could... ...

Stand at a distance... ...

So near yet so far... ...

A Miracle on a Cracky Sexy Voice Night

2010-10-13T13:42:00.000-07:00

Another LONG post...bare with me yea. Just read it. =)

I was "dumb"...for 18hours.
Woke up on the wrong side of bed today, found out that I lost my voice...
COMEPLETELY...

"SHIT" was the first thing that came to mind.
I cant manage to loose it by today, because the song writing competition is today,
and I have to sing and play!
But initially I was quite calm and cool...thinking that everything would be alright...
Until 6pm... 2 hours before showdown...
I panicked and shed tears...(which is NOT cool at all...)

Deeply in me, I knew, this was no coincidence.
Its all a test of faith and patience.
Its whether I"ll have faith that I could pull it through,
and not fret when I face such condition.
But as humans, we are all weak. I really wanted to give up.
Listening to other contestants practicing and doing so well in their rehearsals,
singing their heads off...
Man, how I wish you could understand the devastation inside of me...

But I know, I can only wait and simply have faith, that my voice will recover.

In the end, I decided to sing it through.
"Come what may" ...thats what I could ever think of.
I know as I stand there singing with a cracky voice (plus a risk of running out of tune...)
alot of marks may be deducted...
But most important thing is not winning, but its about touching lives.

All ths while, my calling is to use songs to reach out to people.
and this is one great opportunity to do so.
Some people may notice, instead of asking "Do I sing well?",
I asked " Did that song touched you?"...
SO...I went up that stage with a cracky voice...
I really threw all my fears to Him.

**************************************************************************

You have no idea...
when I was on that stage...
there was nothing else but gratitude.
Everyone was quiet and still...
as if the world stops and listens to me...

Never once I was given an opportunity to sing my own song
infront of a large crowd.
This was SUPERB!!
Though it was pitchy, but in my heard I was like "WOHOO!! Yeah baby,rock the stage!"
haha...
It was cracky, yes...and I think thats the only "resentment" of the night. XD

Well, maybe it made me sounded more sexy??? hmmm....I wonder....

*************************************************************************

Now, we've come to the prize giving ceremony.
Though I told many that winning is not everything,
but seriously...trust me, I wanted to win.

Yes...thats how competitive I could get sometimes.

They started off with best performance
best song arrangement,
best lyrics,
most favourited performance...
even I didnt get a prize for best melody....

I'm starting to think that I dont stand a chance anymore.
I'm just an amature I guess...
or the judges dont fancy such style...
(there goes my conscious self)

Then 3rd prize...not me...
runner up...still wasn't me...
"GEEZ, maybe my song was that bad after all...MMM,its not about winning,its about the experience...take this as a great lesson...what to do? I've lost my voice, surely it had affected my performance..."

BLA BLA BLA...all sorts of -ve thinking invading my thoughts...
All my friends beside were shouting my name, and I cant help but to stop them.
I just cant bare the pressure anymore...

"And the winner is Jocelyn!"
Before I could stand up and scream,
a whole bunch of people had already scremed their lungs off the roof top!
Lol...I love those guys...always that hyper and LOUD.
But at that moment, I was totally shocked.

Really...
I couldnt believe myself until somebody pushed me forward.
I was in deep trauma. HAHA!!!
(as in positively traumatic)

Shaking hands with famous song writer/producer Guan Qi Yuan,
this was another cool thing to remember.
He whispered "You wrote a nice song."
OOO LALA~~~ my tail was wiggling all over the place...HAHA...
I was just...HAPPY...

*************************************************************************

Special thanks to these amazing people:

Yu Jie
for buying me bitter tea. Though it was horribly bitter, but I drank it all. And it really helped!! thanks bro!

Robin
for giving me some tips to recover my voice. Out of devastation I followed every step, and it did helped! Thanks too bro!

Yong Shuang
for so willingly agreed to be my replacement singer for the night. Though you didnt sing for me, but still, you action has spoke louder than words. I'm grateful to have you as a friend!

Eun Chong
My violinist! Thank you so much for spicing up the atmosphere. You covered alot for me, cz if it wasnt for your great melodies, my perf would appeared more cracky! You're amazingly talented!

Ying Chao
Partner, thanks for the pei pa gou and bread. I knew I can always count on you. Your care and compliments are important to me too =)

Chin Nam
for buying me more chinese medicine and drove me around. You're the best senior ever!

my Bro (Joshua)
for lending to me his expensive and awesome guitar!! the sound of it was just perfect!
The PTUM gang!
Ah K, Teng Hao,YuJie, Wan Yi, Mei Shi,Jun Kang,Ray,Ying Chao,Jeffred,Mei Mei,Mei Yi,Huey Wen,Ke Xin,Siew Fen,Shi Ling ...and all those who didnt came but spiritually supported me...I really LOVE YOU GUYS! I'm not exagerating but really if it wasnt for your LOUD and sincere support, I would have not had so much confidence in me. You guys made me realized that I'm not that bad after all...haha...its just overwhelming to see how you cheered and anticipate this whole thing with me. This competition means alot to me and so are u lovely people!

Eugene Ng (aka Sifu) and Wei Ci (dunno how to spell)
it was a great great great surprise that you actually came! It was a great encouragement too =)

Jess,Lyn Yee,Han Chong,Trista and Sze Hui
You bunch of crazy KMPss...thank you so so much for listening and supported me before this. I really enjoyed hanging out with you guys. and tonight you've shown alot of love to me. Thank you.

MeiYi and Siew Min
My opposite roomates. Thank you for taking your time to come! It means alot to me as well. Next meal is my treat. =)

Cloudfly and Pei Ying
Though you guys dont say much, but I can sense your care for me. Thanks to Pei Ying for advising me what not to eat, and what to eat...haha...and Cloudfly, thanks for being there too. =) Somehow your support encouraged me alot.

Ah Jia,Henna,Chuck
As usual, thanks for being there for me. Nuff said. =P

And also all those who supported and encouraged me. Gosh, I'm running out of vocabulary to use. haha...
I guess no words could really express this overwhelmed heart of mine. I'm just...oh bother....

Most of all, all thanks and glory be unto God. Really, you may not believe, but He made all this happened.
I've experienced so much and grown up a lil more.
I've learned to depend on Him, and know that He is the only one who can make the impossible possible.
Like the lyrics in my song (Kite) ...He is the string of the kite,
holding onto me, keeping me grounded whenever I'm in the storm.

This song is for Him
and truly He made me understand this song even better through this experience.
Truly, I could not write this song without God's help.

******************************************************************************

Tonight
I gained a cracky sexy voice,
recognition and compliments.
Support, love, care, joy,
and a miracle from Dad above

Thank You For The Songs

2010-10-09T11:43:00.000-07:00

Singing back the song I've written,
its just crazily overwhelming!!
I have no idea those words and melodies could just flow out from me that moment...
Its just as if... it wasn't of my own...

And true it isn't...
its from Dad from above.
Everytime before I write a song I'll usually make a simple prayer,
I pray that God would place his heavenly melodies into my heart...

and there we are...
TaDah! =P

Though I know my song may not sound appealing to some,
but I'm glad that so far many gave credits to those songs.
Many asked " How you wrote all these songs by your own?"
Well, so many times I wished I could answer : "its a gift that He has placed in me"...

But sadly if I do say that, people may not get it...
oh anyhow...

Still, I'm so thankful.
Overwhelmed by gratitude, warmth and peace.
I shall continue to write His tunes,
until the very last day of my life.

Thanks Dad. =)

You're Such A Mystery

2010-09-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

All I can see is your shining ray

hitting on my anxious heart bay...

You're such a mystery
Like the sun hidden amidst the clouds
All I can see is your shining ray,
hitting on my anxious heart bay.

I wanna dive in
deeper into that ocean of mystery.
Who are you inside?
Could I ever find myself within the tides?

But the more I push through
the more I'm losing you.......

You're such a mystery
if only I own the key

to unlock that treasure case within...

*unfinished lyrics...

Today was a fairytale-less

2010-09-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

I realize,
I have issues when it comes to comparing and competing.
Maybe in a group of people, there seems like no competition,
but inside of me,
I tend to compare with others.

Especially when it comes to things that I do well most...
Acting,dancing and music.

I cant help but to feel that way.
Urgh, how I wish I'm not such a person.

Today,
in my vocal test,
and during my drama performance practise,
I was compared by my teacher and director to other actors.

I got a 'C' for group presentation,
and negative comments from the director.
and also a slight critism from a friend, regarding my coming performance.

This whole Mooncake Festival performance means so much to me,
I was wishing dearly that everyone in CG or UM could come and watch.
I really wish that my friend could understand how important their support is to me...

.......

Throughout the 2 months of our preparation for this perf,
my partner and I had been working so hard to analyse and build out character.
We practise our walking patterns, actions and emotions as well...
though we are just supporting cast, but we still worked our Ass off...
though secretly I wish I could take a leading role, but still I'm grateful for this role.
We seldom receive comments or critism or praises or whatever from the directors......

I was kinda frustrated cz I thought we were kinda...neglected I guess...
See, here comes my comparing attitude...
Then today, out of all the days...on this day where I performed with all my heart,
I finally got critisized.

I wonder I should be happy or sad... *huh...*
Finally some attention from the director, but in the end, he compared us to other characters....
we were just not good enough.

My partner and I was devastated....
I wish I could tell you what we went through in short but its hard...
all I can say is, there was too many uncertainties for our character that we cant build a right character for ourselve...
and now we are being critisized and compared...I'm just...disspointed and confused

I wonder what I did wrong?
I anticipated in every scene, I gave my all...
I throw in all my emotions, as if I really live in that story...
But to the directors eyes, I did nothing....

Same thing,
I acted out everything during my group presentation test...
I thought I gave all my focus and strength....
but in the end... all I get was a 'C' ...
and a cold stare from Miss James....

I wish my friend could come to support me,
but in the end,
I got a bucket of cold splased water on my face...
wow...

I cant stop comparing!
I cant stop feeling jealous and envious!
I cant stop myself from feeling like a loser!

... ... ... ...

But I know I couldnt give up
and feel down.
Let the tears drop however they want...
it doesnt mean that I'm weak and gonna fall...

Instead,
I'm gonna do my double best more...
so I could shock those people and make their glasses fall someday.
This is just the beggining of my fight...
my fight for my passion.

I'm so grateful for a bunch of friends who cared for me.
After 2 months of training, we actors have became like family members.
I was touched by their support and word of encouragements...
there's just so much warmth and support.

They made me believe that I could work this role out...
and they'll be there to help me.

Just as I thought my day would end dreadfully...
they gave a dramatic twist to the ending of the story...

I'm just thankful.

GAMBATAE JOCELYN!!

Enjoy the View

2010-09-16T10:53:00.000-07:00

My hometown, Perlis.

A place I'm very proud of.

Despite the absence of the must-have McD and big shopping complex,

I can live without those,

and I love NATURE!

You dont get the magnificent sky view in KL

You dont get the fresh, non poluted air in KL

You dont have to plan your journey an hour ahead to reach to another destination,

there's not much jam,

and food taste good and cheap!

Though KL have something great to offer,

but there are some things it just cant give.

I guess, that's what makes me miss Perlis all the time.

especially the clouds in the sky.

Sit at the rocky beach.

Enjoy the view.

When Will I Ever Learn???

2010-09-10T10:21:00.001-07:00

I just dont know what to say....
I'm feeling down and if I post something emo on facebook,
dad would ask me to be more private, friends would further think i'm an emo person,
and he would...maybe not give a damn.

So, I'll just blurt things out in blogger.
Whatever you wanna say about me...
I jus wanna get some release of my feelings here...
so skeptics....back off...

I'm tired of caring about what others might think...
what I say might affect them...
and I have to constantly talk with caution....

I know I sounded a lil selfish here...
but I just hope... I could speak 100% my mind out...in a good way.
I'm just not the kinda person who can put word beautifully in manner...

When I like someone I'll just tell
what's with all the hide and seek games?
When I dont feel nice about something,
if I cant tell it straight to that person, somehow no matter how hard I try to cover,
the disspoinment always slips through my eyes...

Oh when can I stop being such a hipocrite?
when can I learn to speak my mind out...CLEARLY???

When, can I learn that crushes are hopeless
and they meant to make u clash and die hard inside....??

What A Merdeka Day [Part 2]

2010-09-04T09:24:00.000-07:00

So...

right after Broga Hill, got invited to join Caleb and the gang on another merdeka outting.

Little did I know, it was actually a photography class!

haha...

But before that we went to grab some roti canai...

which was really good...

like...one of the best I've tasted so far...

too bad there was no pics...

we were all hungry...

ANYWAYS...

it rained! which was such a bummer....argh

so we rode in the car around and around and around the city...

(and the round about for 3 times...thanks to Caleb)

In the end, we decided to go ....

IKEA

And instead of exploring furniture...

guess what???

we played did our photography class there

and played monopoly deal.

What??

yeah...this is how you should react.....=.=

But it was fun times....haha

maybe cz we are all funny ppl???

While Wen Sen taught Robin and Caleb basic photography 101...

Silvia, intensively into her bejeweled game...

click click click....

Then we started out monopoly game.
It was my 1st time playing a card game of it...
very refreshing and interesting.
BUT...I was surviving the game rather than winning it...
guess my heart was somewhere else in papers and ink.

Did some sketches and drawings.
Somehow in a situation which seemed weird and mundane,
I found inspiration =)

Hunting for a place for dinner...
while the guys got carried away with the cams....
I had a great time catching up with Silvia...

She's like a big sis...
we have somethings in common too...eg: we love Criminal Minds!! =D
Most of all, she's someone I can relate to and not feel intimidated at the same time
=) some elder ppl gives me the creeps sometimes...

She's cool =P

Snapped by Caleb...
lol...nice pose there....

I wonder does all photographer really dislike appearing on pics?

Snapping everywhere!!!
even inside the eCurve...but its a norm...
You snap me, I snap you, he snap you....
what a camera love triangle. =D

Finally we settled down at Popeye's...
my husband's restaurant!
haha... =P

Even during dinner...
snaps and monopoly frenzy continued....

... ...
oh boy...what can I say? hehe
*
*
Though we didnt get to go somewhere bizarre or picturesque to snap pics or hang out...
but...it was a fulfilling day....
aiseh.
I had a great time of fellowship with Caleb, Silvia, WenSen and Robin.
Somehow....hanging out with them was different.
I dont know whether it's a compliment or a complaint...

I clearly just felt...like its not what I usually experience
while hanging out with other friends.
haha....sounds kinda creepy saying that...

Anyhow,
I'm grateful and delighted.
The whole 31st of August was a different experience,
a out-of-the-cliche way of celebrating it...
I felt so "merdeka" in me...

Most of all,
despite all the negativity around me,
I'm still thankful to be a Malaysian.
Malaysia is a great country.

Pray for our nation!!

What A Merdeka Day [part 1]

2010-08-31T17:24:00.000-07:00

August 31st...
Malaysia's 53rd Independence day...

Well, as far as i could dig my memory,

usually my 31st of August would be waving flags,

shouting, singing the same old songs every year,

marching...and aerobics...=.=

But this year was different.

1. This is probably my 1st time celebrating this away from Perlis

2. This time I was NOT actually celebrating it...as in, im not specially prepared to celebrate it.

3. Quite alot of "1st times" happened in my life...(including the top 2)

Waking up at 4am in the morning! Which was something so rare for Jocelyn to do...

but I just jumped off the bed, feeling so energetic...ready to conquer Broga Hill!!

So there we have, Charlie and Rachel talking along the way.

KL suddenly seemed so peaceful and AMAZING without the hectic jam...

So, as we reached there, we started walking up the hill.

It was pitch dark and we could hardly see a thing...

good thing Grace brought alot of spare torch lights,

or else we all may end up crawling in the dark XD...

It was crowded with ppl.

1st time I ever experienced climbing a hill with such crowd. I thought ppl hated to exercise???

HAHA...met some seniors there too...=.=

Good thing with all the drama muscle training,

I climbed with ease throughout 3/4 part of the journey.

When I reached the 3rd peak, I was quite exhausted. More like...hungry than tired. lol

I felt like staying there for good and wait for the sunrise....

but I suddenly remembered something in my previous devotion...

"Where we are may not be a bad place, but we know its not where we're suppose to be"

So...with a lil of the "kiasu" spirit in me, I decided to finish The Climb...

haha...and waited for the sunrise...

The sunrise...not a great spot but this was my best shot.
I was rather encouraged when I realized alot of Christians were there to pray for our country.

Broga Hill can be the Malysian prayer mountain! yeah...

We live in a very fortunate and blessed country....its important we bare the burden to pray for our country.

Liz watching the scenery...

it was breath taking

Going downhill was definitely easier

and more relaxing...we can still sing and move around like monkeys...

Reciting poems from Shakespeare and what not... =D

Later it was BREAKFAST time!! oooh lala!

Maybe I was damn hungry....

so this pao tasted like HEAVEN at that moment.

Not to mention my fav....

Half boiled eggs!!! yummy!

That moment was like...paradise!

like angels were singing in my mouth...wooo

Just feel the taste of slimmy fresh egg slipping into your throat,

uhhh, mammia!

Despite how much I dislike the many system in Malaysia,

still, it is a very different country...

We were raised among different cultures,

our adaptability is better than other mono cultural countries out there...

Thus its not an excuse for us to say that

we dont know how to reach out to those who dont know God.

Wherever we go, we are able to relate to the 3 largest religoin groups of people in this world...

Islam, Buddhist and Hindu.

Prayer is a powerful tool.

I believe if we continue to pray and reach out,

Malaysia will become a blessed nation.

my day doesn't stops here...there's part 2!

Starbucks,its all your fault

2010-08-29T08:38:00.000-07:00

Question:

Where do I gain the energy to be so hyper?

how come I can stay so bubbly and "drunk" all day...?

Ah...drunk is the word...

Answer:

COFFEE...

(craving for starbucks again!! >.<)

In You, We See Light

2010-08-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

This post is gonna be a lil long...bare with me... =P

This pic makes me smile...

weird...

I make myself smile...lol

But true.

These few days has been an awakening

moment for me.
I realize how much I neglected the lost souls,

how insensitive I am to those who dont know the truth...

how ignorant I am to care and love for others.

I was living a selfish life...

everything was about me and my dilemmas...

Just a while ago,

I joined the City Harvest Church midnight prayer meeting...

it was such a precious and beautiful moment with God.

I felt so close to Him.

God was doing alot of healing in me.

I realized I wasn't fully recovered from the depression I had few months ago.

Through zhong cai's incident,

tonight I suddenly understood why he ended his life.

Why he reacted so abnormally before his death.

I was in that exact position as him

4 months ago...

I was breaking down...wanting to end my own life...

I knew what it is like to cry so hard

till you just cant stop laughing at your own stupid self...

I know what it's like...

but I'm really really grateful

that I have Jesus Christ in me...

without His words and presence with me...

I would have ended up the same.

I remembered that night,

sitting outside the balcony of my bro's room...

feeling so hopeless....

truly thought that my world is hopeless...

I wanted out from this life.

But ironicaly, I was very aware that this life is not for me to end.

Miraculously, God sent his angels to the rescue...

it was Eu Wei.

Out of 300++ contacts in my phone...

the only person I could get through was him...

the line was so bad, i couldnt get to anyone at all..

He was the right person at the right time.

Eu Wei started trying to take my mind off things...

asking me questions and stuff.

Then he just listens patiently,

seldom comment, infact he encouraged me with scriptures from the bible.

Later,

I was meditating on psalms 36 for the next few days...

v7 " How precious is your steadfast love O God!

the children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings."

v8 "They feast on the abundance of your house,

and you give them drink from the river of your delights"

v9 " For with you is the fountain of life;

in your light do we see light."

In Jesus,

we see light.

The world we live in today is so dark,

so full of evil.

But we still have hope in God,

which is something that always amaze me...

this is something I'm so grateful about.

How I wish all my friends could share this delight,

joy and hope with me.

I wish they could see that Jesus Christ is the only God,

awaiting to embrace them.

Just now during prayer meeting,

as Pastor Kevin asked us to read any chapter in the book of Psalms,

I just randomly turn to a chapter...

and how coincidently...it was Psalms 36.

Again.

I was like WoW.

For with you is the fountain of life,

in your light do we see light.

God is reminding me...

that incident I had few months ago

and my friend's incident...

wasn't just something that wasn't suppose to be...

Like what dad always say:

"There's no such thing as coincidence...

but the will of God."

What I've gone through

is a tool that I could use to help those who are going through

the same thing as what I'd gone through b4.

and that I should care sincerely to ppl around me

especially the outcasted.

You never know whats going on inside a person's mind.

With the experience I had,

I could understand what they are going through

and help them out just like how God pulled me out from that drench.

I'm just so grateful for today's prayer meeting.

Grateful for being alive,

staying alive...lol.

Thankful for life

and what an awesome God we have.

May this post be a blessing to you all out there =)

R.I.P my friend

2010-08-20T09:45:00.000-07:00

I really cant take this in.
He was once a close friend.
someone who knew God...someone who had hope in his life...
but now he's gone.

Just a few minutes ago,
in the midst of laziness and laughter...
Sean called " Zhong Cai has committed suicide. He has passed away."

I was like " what?!"
I didnt care whether ppl in the lobby was looking annoyingly at me that moment...
I just...hope it was all a joke.

But it isn't

Instead of the immediate depress or break down...
I was later filled with guilt.
So much so much guilt.
He used to have truth in him...
and now he might lost what that is eternal...

Man,thinking about this makes me feel like shit.

All he might need is a friend,
a crying shoulder,
a listening ear...
I know I'm sounding like a hypocrite right now...
but, I'm depress.

I just wish I have better words to describe myself now.
......10 years of friendship...and it just ended...like that.

There's just no time to waste.
Nothing we can do to change the pass.
He's gone for good.
All I can do now, is to make sure ppl around me doesn't end up like him.
and they'll get to find out the truth.
That great love for them that is yet to discover...
its just so sad some people dont see that.

There's just no time to waste.

风筝

2010-08-15T17:01:00.000-07:00

终有一天我会飞出这小框
不再留给自己任何遗憾
摘下原本属于我的智慧，理智
配上一双叛逆的翅膀

风筝飞多高都有降落的时候
随风的方向飘流
有你在我背后默默地支扶我
你是那风筝的绳子

风浪混乱的节奏
使我迷糊了双眼
我渐渐失去了
当初伟大的看见

有没有任何人听见
我呼唤的声音
有没有人能了解我这无助的困境
求你伸出你双手让我再次体会
被你爱的感觉是如此的美丽

我是那小小的大风筝

Stay.Here With Me

2010-08-12T22:37:00.000-07:00

I love movies.
I love stories that could reach out to your heart
and mend it.
Dear John is one of those movies.
wrote this song inspired by it

Rainy day,
I watch those droplets fall into place
I embrace
every bit of sunshine that's on your face

All I can see is the wonder
of you, in your eyes
I couldn't imagine what its like
when ur lips touches mine

oh baby please,
stay. here with me.
cant live without u
stay.here with me.

Now u're gone
I'm all alone waiting here for you
Its a Full moon now
are you missing me too on the other side?

When the Spark Burns and Emotions Flows

2010-08-08T09:54:00.000-07:00

This world is beautiful with colours and sparks

I cant comprehend this feeling of wonder

So much to say, so much to tell,

all I can think of is to make a song

A song of praise

A song of worship

A song of simple melodies

singing freely in my own beat

I dont care what they have to say to me

hmm...

When the spark burns

and emotions flows

How could I ever not let my feelings grow?

Gotta outgrow this stage of my life

and just let the wind,take me...

When the spark burns
and emotions flows

I wanna dance away from the crowd

just with you, 2 in solitude

wont you touch me,hold me

When the spark burns

and emotions flows......

I'm being loved by somebody

HUGS

2010-08-05T11:48:00.000-07:00

Hey dad,
how dy? Its 3am and i'm still here awake.
Knowing that i'll only be having 4 hours of sleep for the day, I just dont want to do so.
I hate to admit this but, I actually miss my family.
Its just rare but its true.

I miss the times I play and just be myself with Joie and Joanna,
talking nonsense and playing with dolls.
I miss the times just talking to mom about anything and everything...
I miss discussing and arguing political and scientific views with dad.

I miss my friends too.
More like I miss their company and hugs.
yeah...hugs...
thats my deadliest vice...in a way...
The squeeze, the warmth and love...
it always means a thousand to me...
and I miss that intensity of closeness.

I really hope I could not act independant for a day
and just completely be myself...
And just lie around with someone, spending time talking and lazing around.
I hope I could just hug someone whenever I want to
without feeling insecure or shy.
I hope that hug is secure and assuring.

I wish there's a beautiful sea nearby
so I could swim into the waters and just being sweep by the waters
and feel the warm breeze...
just like my time in Langkawi.
It was beautiful.

But one thing I like about UM...
despite there's no sea in the city...

there's a big lake =)

And there's u dad.

Despite all the changes, u never change.

In the midst of every DESPERATION,

I still have u.

Its funny cz no friend/people could ever settle my raging heart...

only when I pray to u.

In the midst of HUNGER and PAIN

u showed me the twist and turns in every story...

reminding me that every situation happens for a reason.

Even when things dont make sense,

it actually does make sense. =P

Though I cant see u,

I KNOW u are here and u're hugging me.

Though u are not literally doing it

but i could sense u're hugs so vivid.
U are here.

Thank you for being a great friend and father.

I love you

Revelation...

2010-08-05T10:29:00.000-07:00

A friend told me
" When I read ur blog, seeing u ranting and being emotional....I feel like punching u on the face...*laughs*"
Sounds like a joking manner huh?
I was greatly offended.

Yes, I am emotional. Who isn't?
Everyone is just emo in a diff level and magnitude...
Everyday, I have to put on a smile, whether its faking it or really meaning it..
I cant really show worries and sadness to many cz I just dont have the RIGHT person for me to talk to...
So, blog is the few only places for me to BLURT everything out. SO yeah, it's gonna be more alot of inner thoughts and feelings.
Please, for u friends whose reading this...please, dont say that to me. Even if u feel that way, say it in a better manner. I admit I cant take such straight fowardness...

Anyways,
as nowadays I'm struggling with solidarity times...today I realize, it no longer is a burden to me.
I realized, that I actually need it.
I wasn't listening to myself and God all this while.
I'm always around ppl, around noises, around the crowd.
I listen to others...I follow them...
and I was loosing myself.

Really.

Lately these days, doing my quiet time with God is very diff.
I can listen to him loud and clear.
We made a promise that I shall take my mind off the going overseas issue for a week,
and we shall have a closure on wednesday ( which was yesterday).
Yesterday, God was clearly telling me to NOT WORRY, and to just play my part.
Do more research on other uni while I excel in my UM life,
and he'll take care of the results.

It was a totally diff experience I have with Him than b4.
While most of my floor mates were off to class this morning,
it was just silent in the bathroom....
Initially I thought "Well, another lonely day..."
and immediately I could hear him saying " Child,you need this. I want you to listen"
That voice brings a stream of warmth to me as it overcame the chillness of the cold shower.
I couldn't exactly explain the whole situation cz its more than words that I could describe.
All I know is that, I finally realized this whole transition process did not jsut happen...
while others could find clicks and close friends around and I'm vice versa...
I finally knew why.

Its not that God dont wants me to have friends so he can talk to me 24/7.
I have nice friends around, but I travel alone alot...which was not a common thing for me back in Perlis.
This semi solidary life has its purpose and timing.
Now I know.

Everyday while I walk pass the lake,
along the bricked pathway in the midst of trees...
that precious time of solitude is a time with God.
Being with/ talking with Him has always been peaceful and wonderful.
Maybe some might not understand this, bt its very real.

I'm just grateful...and touched.
Nothing happens by purpose/accident.
I know, I know maybe in the future i'll start ranting about being too busy
or wear out cz of the buzzling activities...
and I may get negative again...

But God is good and he deals with us patiently
He'll open up the curtains infront of our blinded eyes to see things
in a bigger picture.
I'm just so grateful that Father would bring me lesson by lesson so patiently
and lovingly.

Today is no exception.

May u be bless reading this.

As I read this through twice...so am I. =)

Semi Solitary Life

2010-07-27T12:54:00.001-07:00

Sitting in the library,
alone sitting on the red squared couch,
reading love novel "Dear John" by famous writer Nicholas Spark...
For a minute I raised my head and realized...
this really isnt me.

Jocelyn is the kind that is loud,
surrounded by friends, seldom alone except during her sleep,
reading the latest camera magazines...
For that instance I was surprised,
why would I walk in the library alone to read such a novel in the 1st place???

Since coming in to University Malaya,
I learned to build a wall between me and people.
Its not a good thing, but it aint bad too.
I was too naive before to allow people to manipulate and take advantage of me,
now I have to learn to be firm but gentle at the same time.
So that I wont be exploited.

But building a wall is not easy either.
I cant help myself to stop talking about me..the inner me....
I guess i'm just hoping that someone would understand me...
someone would at least CLICK (there i use that word, which i try NOT to use...)
someone who would share the joy and sorrow...

I'm facing a major crossroad in my life.
Whethere I should continue pursuing greener pastures in overseas,
or should i just be contented?

But seriously, I"M NOT...
One time of a let down aint gonna break my dream off...
Im still on a fight...
but this fighter needs a willing ear to listen to her cries...
just somebody to offer a warm hug.

I need somebody who I'm not afraid to show my own flaws.

Dont get me wrong, I'm not being anti-social
but in this new perspective of my life,
I'm beginning to learn to be socially independent.

learning to lead a semi-solitary life

Finding my Roots

2010-07-22T09:49:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad that God is always faithful. He truly watches out for me.

I was so pissed. Pissed about many things. For not being good enough, for being a jealous whore over anything and everything, for not doing enough for my besties...for being IMPERFECT among the imperfects. I was disapointed with myself.

And, I feel like I'm losing myself again. Going back to the depress old days again. But just 15minutes ago...as I was skeptically flipping through my devotional book (ah,bad role model) , today's passage strongly caught me offguard.

Started with proverbs 27:8 " Like a bird that wanders from its nest, so is a man who wanders from his place"

Pastor Kevin Loo (author of this book) mentioned
"Whenever you are at a point of losing yourself, stop to think and pray. Speak to God. Nothing can be as dangerous as a man who cannot find his way home. Once you have drifted away from home/God, you will find yourself drowning in exhaution,depression and security (oh geez...bang!!)

"Always come back to the Father for He is your source of identity and security.Be at peace for you have found your home in the Lord. He always believes in you no matter what you have done."

At that moment...I realized how wrong I was to let my anger overtake me. But it happened for a reason cz I learned my lesson. Cant help to feel so overwhelmed and touched by His teachings. God was talking to me through his words, so clearly and plain to see...like the sharp sword piercing through *shing! ...ok enough with the drama...=.=

Lol...I just dont know how to express my gratitude now. I'm just so thankful and happy now.
Truly, I dont deserve to get such attention and love but still He gave. Haha...sounds cliche huh? but its from my heart. I'm just overwhelmed. huhuhu~

Uni's activity is gonna get the best of me...I believe i'm gonna be wear out if I dont watch my steps, its so easy to be drifted away. So, i'm gonna hold on tight to my roots while I fly...at least I know I'll land on the right spot even if I fall down.

Thank you father, its such a blessing tonight. =)

Getting Back Up. Refresh.

2010-07-19T10:08:00.000-07:00

Finally back to bloggie...hmm pretty nice name to name it...bloggie...=P

Well, after the incident falling from cloud 9, i guess i should give some updates here...
Sadly, dad decided to not let me go to US...and we all know cz it's the financial problem. But one thing mom told me really strucked my heart. Am I mature and well enough to take care of myself?? Of course i'll tell them I can handle things myself...but as I'm starting my new life here in University Malaya, I realized there's a lot of stuff I cant be independent. Especially emotionaly.

Well, living in a not so clean environment is ok for me. I dont scream till the rooftop blows off when i see cockroaches...Im ok with eating malay food which rotates menu from week to week...i'm independent physically....BUT NOT emotionaly.

I'm just very sensitive to human relationships. A stare, a smile, a wink, a handshake, a glance....it speaks a thousand words to me. And my imaginaition factory up in the brain will start producing "films"....I get very self concious, nervous and anxious of what ppl will think about me. I seem to fail to learn about the "I dont care" theory in life. =/ I just...cant help it but to be sensitive to ppl.

So, imagine: Now I fly to US, land in michigan, enters Spring Arbor University, mixing with a lot of whites and blacks around. Cultures and customs are totally diff from the conservative Malaysian background. Ppl talk and behave in a diff manner......I dont know about you, but for me, in my imagination, I may get an emotional breakdown and go hysterical!

HAHA...no not really. But I think the emotional stress in human relationships will be tougher on me. And at that moment, I"ll definitely miss home alot...and I'll finally acknowledge that dad was right all along.... SO yeah, as much i hate to admit this, i'm not prepared for US ...YET! =P There's so much moulding and stretching to be done in me.

God is a great director. He directs our lives in a very unexpected way. Ppl always say, if they predict what is the next scene, then that movie is a lame one....Same, if we know what God is going to do next in our lives, it's gonna be...BORING! He gives us some clues about what the next scene would be...just not exactly whats gonna happen. It's up to us to analyse and take the right steps. I...have to learn to take a step back and relax.

I'm very clear with my calling. But the road in the middle is blocked with a big bunch of mist. I cant see whats the next path. Guess, i'll have to wait for a lil longer for the wind to blow the mist away so i can see clearly...sighs....patience is one deadly killer..... =/

Another dilemma is...where should i head next? Some thinks I should just spend my 3 years in UM, mom believes Taiwan is a place for me to develop, I personally wanna learn more in US...So where's next? Only God knows. and I'll have to W-A-I-T.

Maybe there's a reason for me to stay back another semester here in Malaysia.

There must be...

Falling From Cloud 9

2010-06-29T23:05:00.001-07:00

Its been some time since i updated my blog...
and i'm feeling guilty cz i only come back here whenever Im down
and so is today.

I lost my scholarship to US.
I know when i say this my dad would be mad at me cz I've always been very open in the net...like spilling all the beans on the internet platter...
but this one is not private.
Its something I dont wanna be ashame of.
Its something I wanna share with the whole world.

Previously I'd share my excitements and joy about my acceptance into Spring Arbor University,
and now I would love to share my dissapointments and sorrow of not getting the chance to US.

Its gonna be...a tough time for me.
but i believe I'll get there some day. Its just a matter of time.
Gotta brush off the agony and bitterness in me.
You should know that I need time to get back up...
and i'm not gonna give myself too long to drag myself back from cloud 9...

Despite how unprepared I am to enter local uni,
I have to pack up my emotions and start a new life ahead.

You go girl...

I got accepted!

2010-05-28T12:17:00.000-07:00

Ahh, i'm back!

After 2 weeks in Johor Bahru doing mission work, i'm back.

Well,not suppose to be back,

but cz of my scholarship application I have to come back

And just for those who dont know,

I am accepted into Spring Arbor Christian Uni in Michigan!

Just felt like crying the moment I receive it...

After all this time of hardwork and hassle...

this letter is a great comfort to me...

Now, it's crossing my fingers,

and legs

hoping to get a fair amount of scholarship to get there!!

ahh...

Neways,here are some pics taken when I was in JB,

had alot of crazy fun

some are from the Mother's day celebration in my church. =P

this are the only pics u can take when there's no electricity...

this pic is taken in.....the drain =P

my "junior"..Joshua Liew...

actually i only wanted to take the sky...=P

Karen and this really adorable gal...

Joie and her "sister"... =( what about me???

another candle pics...

So lazy to upload now...

Will update more...hopefully....

Gotta send in my application forms tmr...

All the best to me!!

Watch Your Steps

2010-05-06T13:59:00.000-07:00

Got a feeling,
something great is happening.

I'm just so blessed to have someone to talk to everynight
thankful to know someone with security,
someone who is true and honest...
no hiding and lying...

Yet, things are still uncertain.
It's all gonna be taken into consideration,
cz if I allow myself in again...
it'll always hurt.

Will be observing and waiting.
Watch ur steps gal.

p/s: more pics soon! =P

Juices After One Tired Week

2010-04-28T10:41:00.001-07:00

After a week away from home,
hustling up and down from KL to Jb and back to Perlis...
I must say it was a refreshing and fatiguely fruitful travel.
=P

I'm enjoying every second on the road...
even if it's on the irritatingly slow bus...
at least I'll have sometime to ponder and pray about stuff...
I spend time with God on the road....when i'm alone...

In just a short week, I'd experienced God's work in my life like never before...
So many spiritual struggles and attacks...
But in the end i'm on the winning side...
and God was gracious enough to pick me up from the dirt...

Even though I didnt manage to pray for auntie in the hospital,
but I believe she felt the sincerity and love from God....
Hopefully I'll be given chances to speak more to her...
it just hurts to see how she fought and suffered with sickness...
she is one strong women

I was so glad to get back to JB...
picking up all those old memories built during 2008...
going back to office as i-youth senior...lol...
staying with Set Foon...catching up with her all day...
meeting up Adrian, Yin, Michelle, Jessalynn and Dylan...
it was definitely nostalgic for me...

However, I was a lil disturbed by some incident...
All I can say it was a mayhem for me...
everything were so out of place and I just dont know what to do...
All that came to my mind was...smile?
It was the few rare times where Jocelyn would go " snap... I cant get use to this now..."
But it all proved to be another great experience....

I may walk out of that place feeling so down
so broken hearted...
but it was all so plain to see in the end...
I finally wiped the mist off my eyes...
and God spoke to me that very afternoon after leaving that place...

I was dragging my foot to church after the incident,
thinking I just wanna sleep and brush everything off my shoulders...
But as we were entering the praying session,
the pastor just came and laid his hands on me and said:
" You know, ppl may say or do disappointing things to you today, but God is telling you to let go...Let joy flow out from you...and I can see more is going to pour out from you in the future...."

PWNED!
I went numb and just cant say anything else but THANK YOU LORD....
haha...it wasnt the pastor doing some lucky guess...
but it was from Dad...which was so overwhelming....ahhh
No matter how many times I reminisced back, it'll give me goosebumps....

okok...
it times for some pics...
Had been bringing my babe with me everywhere I go...
and with the camera with me,
I learned to be daring to approach ppl...
even if it's people who I never know in the past....

from this, I've learned more than I could imagine...
observing and interacting with different lives...
life is just full of wonders and surprises...

Life can be tough
but looking back to everything we'd gone through...
it always ends up as a blessing...

=)

My Babe and I

2010-04-12T10:41:00.000-07:00

I know,

when you read this title you'll be like:

"Gosh,this is just cheesy!"

But well, I cant find a better way to title this.

I name my dslr babe because I have been spending 7 days straight with it...

It just literally didn't leave my side

I know...

I'm severely obsessed!

But here are some pics to share...

1st day after getting this babe...of course you'll snap a pic together...

Haven't even shower after the long day back from Penang...yieks!

Well, as you could have guessed,

my two sisters, Joie and Joanna are my 1st experiment.

They are so willing to let me shoot though,

which really smooths the whole learning process

Gotta give them credit for letting me paparizing them all day...

psss...more sleepy pigs pictures coming up next time!

LOL!

Went on a photo shooting time with Annie,

wasn't really a great weather cz it's storming!

well almost...hehe

In the midst of the big blowing wind...i found this pinkish red bean looking thing

in the midst of the green....

so...snap!!

This took me alot of trials

adjusting the speed,iso,WB...

and if u think it's easy...try standing tip toed with big gust of wind blowing you aside

plus drips of irritating rain on ur face...

Still it was ...FUN!!

Ahh,the fav spot I love to be...

there we have the "burning bush" under the dark clouds

and the sun hiding behind them

Got that kinda "magnifique" moment for a while...

Another day at another sea side...

Shooting halfway and this cat just wants to be in the photo.

LOL...

Like everywhere I try to take a pic,

it will just jump into scene and "pose"

Caught it in action when it's scratching itself.
Then it stopped...and POSE.

*sweat*

Hmm...I know this kinda pics are cliche

it's very common to see close up pics like this...

Still, this kinda photo captures the life of this world.

Seeing this, I'm just overwhelmed.

It triggers me to think about the creator of this world.

Somehow,even the grass and flowers that we stepped on everyday

are created in such detail and beauty...

That's why alot of people love to play with macro lens.

cz they can capture the most detailed beauty in this world.

hmmm...maybe that's just me...

Hope to share more pics soon.

Till then

PEACE OUT

Snip Snip Snap Snap

2010-04-08T09:48:00.000-07:00

So...dad spontaneously bought me a DSLR

how cool and touching...

Cant stop shooting lately...i know ...

that kinda gila camera thing is happening to me right now...

wish i could post those photos up now...

but it's gonna take some time to resize and upload....

hmmm,...

do await for more pics soon!!

Going for a shoot early morning tmr...cant wait!!

Gtg get some shut eye now...till then..Peace out!

Turning Point 2

2010-03-29T01:05:00.000-07:00

HUUU,what a roller coaster ride.
These 3 days has been really rough yet fruitful. All the tears and laughter,it's worth it all
As many would know how much I wanted to join the YWAM disciple training school,
sadly I'll have to put that thought down for the time being.

I realized I broke down 3 days ago was not because of something that happened in one night,
but it's because of how I look at myself for all these years.
Never really once I credit myself for being good though people may say it's good.
When people praise me, I'll feel like they might just say it to make me feel better...
I tend to not see myself in God's eyes.
I see myself through others... that sucks.

So year by year,
day by day...
these thoughts and -ve perception takes the hold of me...
and lately this 3 months, all the stress and incidents had caused me to the edge ...

and I broke down.

It was...a great relief.
Funny...but true.
Like every dirt just washed along with my tears...

and I'm really blessed to have such great friends to stand by me...
to just be there to lift me up
and remind me about God's love.
Like Serene said "All things happen for a reason"
so this doesnt happen for nothing...
it actually brought me closer to God. Which is one thing I seriously needed now.
I'm so dried out till I didnt realized how serious it was...

But things had changed.
I'm gonna grow more and continue to push through all this.
I know I'll still have that sucky "you're not good enough","you're not important enough" thought...But i'll have to clean that up sooner or later...
Totally destroy that thinking...and feel confident of myself.

Thank you to all of you out there who prayed and supported me...
especially Chuck,Henna and Jia...it's always about my probs...
and you guys never minded to listen.
I love you gals all the way!!

Now it's time to pack up....
and leave on a jet....bus. =)
I'm leaving TOWN!! Weeee!!!

still countless turning points to do...

Thanks Darian for letting me steal ur title.

Cheer up

2010-03-23T10:20:00.000-07:00

You are a precious creation of God.
No one can change your value......
No one can bring you down.

S.O.S

I wonder when will be that "next time"?

......

2010-03-20T10:19:00.000-07:00

Dear ***,
I really dont know how to express this well,
but thank you so much for putting up with me all this time.
You'd been a pleasure all this time and I really appreciate your love and care for me.
If there's a chance to return you a favour I would gladly do so...

Really wished the situation is not like this right now...
somehow, we just gotta take a step at a time...
I wish you well. Thank you so much for everything.

Love,
Jocelyn

Astray (Original)

2010-03-18T12:46:00.000-07:00

I wanna hold you closely to my heart

and feel ur heartbeat tightly next to mine.

I wanna hug you like there's no tmr

I will give you every breath of mine

Will you hear me from the other side?

It's been so long and I just cant deny

You'd been a joy and pleasure all this time

This feeling for you it just cant subside...

Oh yougot my head over heels

Oh you took my heart away

We may be oceans apart but come what may

There may be a lot of prices we have to pay

But oh darling let us leave this world behind

be here to stay, dont ever go astray

Dont ever go astray...
I need you now

The song is here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULx9rWD-w-k

Turning Point

2010-03-16T11:34:00.000-07:00

Its time to change my mindset.
I'd been lingering and "dipped" in self pity for this whole 3 months.
After what had happened and suck out most of me...
I unconsciously gave in the dark side, to just let all those negativity take the whole of me
and let those emotions becoming a habit...a bad one.

Until today, was watching Joel Osteen on TV,speaking about self value.
Immediately the title just stroke my heart, like "hey,it's about you Jocelyn"
and then came the slapping on the face part. It was a great time of healing...internally.

I realized,
I cared too much for what people have to say about me
I judged myself according to what others judged me...
Living under the judgement of others would only bring forth low self esteem,self pity and destruction to our inner being.
We gotta know and truly truly acknowledge that no matter what, God will always forgive us.
He will always redeem us from sin, and most importantly LOVE us...

We might not be valueble to others. But he cares and has more than what others could offer.

Dang.
I felt so stupid. I felt just absurd for blaming myself.
for squandering in self pity and shame.
I felt so worthless,as if I do not deserve to be loved by God anymore.
Like a hypocrite.

But He never gave up on me.
He placed so many wonderful people around me...always lending a shoulder to hold my heavy head.
He placed people to allow me to notice my weaknesses and flaws. So that I may learn and improve from time to time.
He allows my friend to say reject my invitation for a drink,so that I would sit in front of the TV,accidentally flip to the GoodTV channel and listen to His word...

I'm sorry for saying so much negative things here. Anyone who is reading this and read some previous post, I would like to apologize for all the negative ions I'd released here.
There are enough negative ions emitting from your PC, some more you'll have to bare with my negativity...yieks...sorry.

But I'd learn things,the hard way....as usual.
Someone as hard headed and "cow" like me should need some pain to trigger some sense in this brain of mine. LOL
Like my dad always say "When there's no way left to change a man, God will have to use pain ad suffering to grab our attention"
and I have to go through that... =P

No matter how a hundred dollar is squashed or wrinkled,
it's value will still remain the same.
SO no matter how I was crushed or rejected or...however you describe it in life....
my value in God will still remain the same.
I'll still be the apple in God's eyes...specially hand picked by Him to become what He wants me to be...

When I acknowledge that,
Allow Him to take control of my life and be dependent of Him...
Slowly He will lead me to my dreams and

I'll be like a bright star shining for Him...one of it's kind.

It aint easy to wake up...to get the blurness out of sight.

But God has his special way to get me fixed up.
Thank you Lord.

Still at shocked condition after the message...

After some weeks...

2010-03-13T09:32:00.000-08:00

Just as I thought I cant write a song anymore...

Says who?
=)

Thank you Lord!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOCBWd0-4OM

No Joke, I need out.

2010-03-12T10:32:00.000-08:00

我真的身心疲累了...
每一天所度过的像似个过山车游戏，转得我好晕，
完全快要迷失自己。

Does anyone ever cares?
When I take a step it, I'll get myself really hurt.

This whole month is sucking my whole mental,emotional being OUT.
One thing comes after another, and now I got myself into a new one.
Wow is just what comes to mind.

Seriously, I'm loosing myself.

I need fresh air.

My Lovely Buddies

2010-03-09T19:42:00.000-08:00

One tragedy can break someone down.
One catastrophe will make one realize the other sides of life...
One lil thing happened that made me see through the ugly hearts of men...
cant believe there's more than one DUDU around me...WTH?

Anyhow,no matter how many DUDUs there are around me...
I surprisingly realized,all my best pals are out there,all over the world! FAR AWAY from meeeee.
Gosh I'm missing you guys like crazy. =(

Last night,for the 1st time after DUDU back stab incident...I reluctantly went out with the gang...
the gang with alot of...sides....
a circle of friends alot of controversy.
Anyway, the best time was during our way home after karaoke.Sitting in ZH's car,with HY along,speeding 125km/h at the 2a.m empty road....
Rolled down the windows, shouting everything inside...WOOO...that was swell...
wish I could do that again.

Only ZH and HY makes me feel like myself. Though sometimes HY gets really irritating in a way,but he is the one that make crazier things possible. He is the only one who loves to talk religion with me.He reads al-Quran,Buddhist religious books and also the BIBLE.Quite guilty for making him my bean bag all the time.
ZH,without question is like the good Samaritan. Always helping people out whenever he can. Even if he cant, he miraculously finds time. He is such a dear buddy. Very true to every friend. I really envy his energy to care for all his friends. He is simply sincere and true. But sometimes he gets too caught up with every friend, I tend to step back a lil. oh well...
The 3 of us can just spit spat,chit chat for hours non stop. W/o you two, i wonder I would last a second with DUDU&Co....

Henna,Serene,Chuck! Thinking about you guys already makes me wanna cry. I miss the time where we cycle by the paddy fields, investigate the death of some unknown cat, staying over for days at each other's house, sneak at the middle of the night for cookies cz we are so hungry for chit chatting for hours! And most importantly...I miss the DYNAMIC power when 4 of us UNITE! It's like no one could stop us from tearing the place down....be it the shopping mall,food court or our own houses.... You guys are always there for me, every time when I'm down. I guess you are the only people that I wont be scared to approach when I needed help. I wont feel insecure of what you guys might think of me. Just because, you are so so honest to me. It might hurt at the beginning,but in the end I'm grateful for the uplifting advice you guys gave me. Most of all, I miss the HUGs you gals gave me. It is the most true HUG I can ever get. and maybe some kisses... =P
Gosh, i'm going teary writing this...

Dylan. Buddy,still reading this? well,it's been quite some time since we met. You are in jb/singapore, and i'm in the other end of the country. You said i kinda make u Topsy turvy, well u make me feel like a precious person. =) Though we have our own lives to live, yet u never fail to listen to me. And of course, give me that SARCASTIC comment of yours. But i like that sarcasticness, though it may get on my nerves sometimes. It's true and like a slap on the face. However,sometimes I get confused by your sweet words, cz frankly I do doubt whether those are from the heart or just for the moment. Still, its my own insecurity issue,so not your fault though. Thanks for making me feel treasured.

Annie! The one with most rational,practical yet uplifting advice. Whether it's talking camera, people,music...you have that incredible ability to analyse everything with such wisdom and maturity. I'm always blown away by your wisdomatic words. It's so sharp that it penetrates through the fakeness of this world. I like to hear u analyse people's behaviour, cz it'll allow me to see things from different perspective. Best is, I enjoy every moment talking,communicating with you. Anyway,thank you for opening up to me. Knowing more about your background gave me a better understanding of every action you took before.

Jas.K. Gal,how could I ever forget you? We knew each other since 10 years old but started bonded at 16. You are one very honest person indeed. You speak what comes to your mind and just make me so vulnerable..LOL...not very accurate to describe myself though. Anyway,love the fact that she always takes time out to meet and drive me to anywhere and everywhere! Love the time where we just sit in the car by the sea side,talk politics,psychology...=) She is just like a big sister who loves adventure and bold. I envy her courages spirit to speak out and stand up for her friends.

Adrian Laz. Wonder if he's reading this? LOL,doesnt matter anyhow. Very grateful to know him, another sarcastically humorous, dynamic and again truthful friend. Gosh, I realized most of my buddies are CRAZY...in a good way. Though we didnt know each other for long, but I can always connect with him. Like the movie avatar,where the Navi use their hairs to connect to trees and horses...LOL. Seriously, you make me laugh. I may have a hard day but your very skeptical kinda looks is just amusing. LOL...see ,I cant even stop "LOL-ing" right now. As i get to know you, I realize you have a very serious side too. Behind the craziness of you, there's depth and maturity. Yes, I admit I thought you were just a typical crazy person. But hey, you have something going inside your "nasty" brain.When it comes to friendship with "foreign people", I really try to put in effort cz who knows it may be our last time meeting (live) with each other? Hope this friendship would last for long.I really thank you for being there for me these days. =)

The mamak trio members, HanC and Jack. I miss the days we just sit at Irfanah,our fav mamak,killing time. It's the best memories I have in IBM. HanC never gets tired of listening to me.Felt kinda sorry to buzz too much things at her sometimes. She has this poetic thing going on. Words she says are sentimentally meaningful. She is very tolenrent and caring. She witness everything that has been going on between me and DUDU, she is my comrade in IBM! =) Mr.Jack, silly and one nerve gone in his brain. Gosh, another crazy buddy. He is the best PR i'd ever seen in my life! From the bread salesgirl to the auntie who sells curry mee to the cleaning uncle of our school, he knows like practically everyone in town. And he is really good at making new friends. Though he may be practical ie selfish at times, still, he is one gentlemen. Always making sure HanC and I enters the hostels before he does. Always "stalking" us from opposite and reminding us it's time to sleep instead of chit chatting till morning breaks...he's like a brother...lil brother...=P

Wow,I'd written so much. Gosh.
I guess I have too many things in my mind for everyone. Just not enough time.
I wish I could have all the money in the world, travel to every corners to visit these precious people in my life. Some friendships has been for 19++years. Some not even 6 months.
Yet, I know these people are true and sincere. As I write this, I realize honesty has been a number one criteria in my life. Well, like the bible says "The truth will set you free" LOL...

Dad says "Nothing happens by chance but by the will of God". Yeap. I believe knowing these people under different situations are definitely not a coincidence. But they are all special gifts from God. =) I may be surrounded by wolves, but outside that ring, I have my comrades waiting to give me that lift...to leave those wolves...

Gonna go to work...meeting those naughty lil angel devils...LOL. I think Ill write about them someday. =)
LOVE YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE

Psalm 69

2010-03-08T09:21:00.000-08:00

Psalm 69 "Save me,oh God"

1.Save me,O God!
For the waters have come up to my neck.
2.I sink in deep mire,
where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters,
and the flood sweeps over me.
3.I am weary with my crying out;
my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dim
with waiting for my God.

13.But as for me, my prayer is to you,
Oh Lord,
at an acceptable time, O God,
in the abundance of your steadfast love
answer me in your saving faithfulness.
14.Deliver me from sinking in the mire;
let me delivered from my enemies
and from the deep waters.

19. YOu know my reproach,and my shame and my dishonor;
my foes are all known to you.
20.Reproaches have broken my heart,
so that I am in despair.
I looked for pity but there was none,
and for comforters but I found none.

29. I am afflicted and in pain;
let your salvation, O God, set me on high
30. I will praise the name of God with a song
I will magnify him with thanksgiving

32.....you who seek God,let your hearts revive.
33. For the Lord hears the needy and does not despise his own people
who are prisoners.

After so long, I finally sat down for my devotion.
It was that exact time, I felt strongly GOd wants me to join dts...
Before that...I gave up on that thought, thinking it's impossible to go back. I mean RM17k is HUGE...no joke. And seeming my dad spent like more than RM1000 on my taiwan and U.S uni application...I really cant bare to ask money from him anymore.
And I know,my parents would definitely disallow me to join dts.

But this crazy time,
should I give it a shot? or maybe it's just another gusto of irrationalism?
2 different voices, to go or not to go....
I believe in the 1st but...somehow somethings are just pointing me to the 2nd one...
time is running out...
O God only you can save me.

James 1:2-4
"Count it all joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds. For you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have it's full effect that you may be perfect and complete,lacking in nothing."

Rejoice Jocelyn. No matter what happens....rejoice

HUG

2010-03-07T19:42:00.000-08:00

Don't know what to say...
But I got tonnes to blurt out...
Still dont know how to say...

Do you hear me talking to you?
Across the water,across the deep blue ocean
under the open sky...

I'm so stress,so anxious,so mad at myself
that my big temper making it's come back...

I need a hug

A Crazy Gal

2010-03-06T09:54:00.000-08:00

Chopin...a guy who writes poems on piano...
Geez why am I getting so nostalgic melancholic now?
Cz I'm in a freaking out mode. Thats how crazy Jocelyn can be

You know...
all buzzed up with words while her heads spins in thousands lil imaginary circles
then she'll start talking incessantly with her poor mediocre vocab
trying to sound like the female version of chopin,only not on the piano...
but with silly thoughts....
Imaginary ones...

Oh yes....Jocelyn is one hell of a big dreamer.

She dreams of going to U.S.
Having her 1st life degree there...finding her fantasy dreams there
Though people gave her stares...disbelieve opinions...
They laughed at her...saying she had a WILD and STUBBORN heart...
always wanting the fantasies in life for herself.
Not thinking for others....
But Jocelyn...oh Jocelyn,being as crazy as always...
kept going for it.
She pressed the google button...search wikipedia for all Universities in U.S....
She finally got it....applied for SAT test...though she had no clue how is it like...
She thought she just need to get some simple application things done then she's good to go....
What I didnt mention is that Jocelyn has this incredibly naive heart...
frankly speaking its....more like....stupid.
Cz she doesnt know...a mountain of complecations awaits her...awaits to devour every single of her energy and cash....

Then we have Taiwan Uni....
It's not her 1st choice but seeming going to US might not be a sure thing...
she had to go for 2nd choice....and also it's for her parent's sake.
Since it's cheaper and filming education there is way better than Malaysia...why not?
it seems like a great opportunity...so here she is...applying for Taiwan National Uni of Arts....
Again....naively...she finds out that there's actually needs for medical check ups and cert translations....
Cert translation is not something new...but it freaks her head out....
Why? Cz the last time she did that...she had to translate every single one of her certificate and pay about 10o dollars just for that damn fat lady to press her red inked chop on each certificate...
As if strength she raised her hands and nails cost like 1 dollar per mili second...
URGH.....and it's an hour drive away....GREAT...

Local Uni...
She really couldnt help but to not wanting to apply for it.
But she had to be realistic and practical...yeah thats the word ppl had been pressing on her all the time....she HATEs that...but what to do?????????
It's like a safe boat...like if all else fails...there's still a local uni to go for...
Now...things get complicated when there's interviews,auditions....
and she gotta send all her details within 10 days...
now her friends starts to remind her about her mistake for writing the wrong serial number....
which she had lost it like ages ago....where the heck to dig that out?????
And for the music auditions, she neeeds to practice for Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata...
Dance auditions...it's 1 traditional dance and 1 modern dance....
Drama auditions.....no clue....
WOW....how exciting.... =S

At last we have....Disciple Training School.
She wished that time would just stop right now and every penny will fall from the sky.
"What if....?" "If only..." all these are going through her mind....
She needs to find that 1st love with God again...like the time she would just open 100% to him...
She's been closing herself up the whole 2009...she knows there's something wrong...
she gotta get back...and she knows deeply...this is her only shot...
It's not excuse....maybe there's another option....She's freaking out
She's totally confused and gonna breakdown anytime....
But hell no,she cant be meak at this time....
With all 3 things rushing towards her...emotions are....out of the question.
She looks through the airplane tickets pages helplessly....
Secretly search through the training school webpage....
Having silly run away ideas going in her head....
I guess poor Jocelyn is just....desperate to breakout....
I think she really need to do something totally crazy than the crazy things she did before...
Break her history record and ...soar with God like never before.

Jocelyn you are one crazy lil creature...

Amy Kuney

2010-03-05T08:47:00.000-08:00

Amy Kuney

One of my fav youtube voices.

It's not like typical shouting/powerful voices

with vibratos and sopranos

But a soothing antidote

to a lonely soul

Her low and heavy tone

brings alot of deep interpretation into her songs

Her covers of other artiste's songs

are simply superb

She totally made another song her own.

Love her version of "Happy"

by Leona Lewis.

Instead of the high,climatic version like Leona

(I love Leona too btw...)

Amy Kuney turned that song soft,

quiet,

yet make you feel like dancing slowly to it

It's like swaying with grace,

in still waters.

With waters running through your fingers,

little waves swifting to the piano melodies.

*there goes my overabused of words again*

She's another great voice,

another talented musician.

Most importantly...

She's another inspiration

a very big one.